Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Wooooo! FYF Fest!!! #Snoozefest #No #Fun #Foundtheonepersonwhoishavingfun ^

Screw that noise. Give me hula hoop girl at Ultra all day, all night, shaking her ass, dee-light.

hulahoopa

And yes, hula hoop girl is going to be my new thing for celebrations. I’ll use any excuse to post her.

Who's the daddy: During his 87 years, Samuel Delbert Whitney's family estimate that he fathered 54 kids

Man had 54 kids

(DM) The family of a man estimated to have fathered 54 children gathered together at the weekend to celebrate the life of the man that they called ‘daddy.’ Samuel Delbert Whitney from Phoenix, Arizona, passed away last month at the age of 87. In south Phoenix he was well known for operating a wrecking yard, running several social clubs and for fathering a lot of kids. His brood range in age from 69 all the down to 13, the youngest was born when Whitney was in his mid 70s. In fact no one is exactly sure how many children Whitney fathered. One his eldest, stepdaughter Lexi Woods, has admitted her father had told her that she had 41 brothers and sisters. But since Whitney’s passing, she said his friends had approached her to reveal that the total was actually closer to 54. Marillyn Whitney described her daddy as a family man, but also a bit of a wild man. ‘He had a lot of umph in him I guess,’ she told 3TV. After their father’s passing, three of his daughters decided to organize Saturday’s memorial service and got busy trying to get in touch with as many of their brothers and sisters as they could track down. The big problem for Lexi, Marillyn and Sandra Whitney, who at age 69 is the oldest of the biological kids, was that they didn’t know where many of their siblings lived or even who they were. They put fly posters up throughout south Phoenix in an attempt to inform as many of the huge Whitney brood as possible about the passing of their father and to let them know the memorial was to be held at the Bridge Church. But when they didn’t get much of a response, they contacted the local TV news who ran a feature about their plight on the night before the memorial. The TV appeal prompted more children to come forward and some even flew in from Los Angeles to pay their respects and meet the family they never knew they had.

Samuel Delbert Whitney just put deadbeat dad professional athletes everywhere on notice. Cromartie and Dwight Howard have a longgggggg way to go before even getting put in a lottery to kiss the ring of this guy. He must have had game like a mother fucker. Like, if he had a kid in his mid 70’s, the chick had to be in her 40s right? How do you convince a woman half your age to have sex with you when you aren’t bursting from the asshole with money? “Social clubs?” Yeah, ok bro. AKA cream pie swingers clubs.

As interesting of a story as this is, it’s missing one huge detail. How many baby mama’s did he have? That’s obviously the most important part. He could have had 18 kids each with three different women and it would totally change the perception of him. But if he’s got 54 kids from 40 women, then he’s just a pure casanova. An ass crusher of epic proportions. A champion nut-buster. Someone that young black males can look at and say, “Fuck the gangsta shit. I just want to be slaying bitches half my age when I’m in my 70s.” A true American.

PS – I think I figured out how he pulled all these women. Everyone knows the ladies love a good rice…

And by perfect he meant pregnant.

 

You know when it’s middle of the day Monday and you want to kill yourself? Yeah, I’m at that point right now. But then I see this cute little thing and I remember there are still reasons to live. Thank you, nature. I live to see another day.

 

(LAist) Breasts were bared today in Venice Beach in celebration of National Go Topless Day. For the sixth year, shirtless women (and men) took to the seaside boardwalk—nipples covered—advocating equal topless rights for all.

Well if that picture doesn’t sum up National Topless Day, feminists, and the mindset of a man all at once then I don’t know what does. Big gross titties, insecurities projected as confidence, and a boy who doesn’t want to see what’s in front of him but for some reason can’t look away because, well, there are boobs directly in his face. The photographer deserves an award for capturing so much in once snapshot.

Let’s take a look at what National Topless Day had to offer. (Hint: not much)

2, 4, 3, 1.

Close right is fighting gravity hard but it’s losing the battle. Probably had a nice set 10 years ago.

Left girl, I would at the end of a night full of strike outs.

“Do you find any of what I’ve got going on here attractive?” Funny thing to me is you know this guy was bored as hell at home and decided, “I’m gonna go see some titties in Venice.”

Ok! Now we’re talking, far right. Those are some healthy C’s on a decent looking girl. I’ll free my mind alright. I’ll free it all over your face. Funny thing about my mind is it’s located in my load.

3, 5, 1, 4, 2.

Pretty positive that bellybutton is actually the Bermuda Triangle.

Uhh…hey blue board shorts, what are you? No really, what the fuck are you?

Bright yellow pasties is the definition of pancake titties.

Love the hips. Maybe tighten it up a little but this is my #1 of the day.

Scratch that. #1 is officially in the building. Fat black dude from Old School who did the vault, you’re officially put on notice.

I just hate everyone in this picture so much. All of you need to exit earth immediately.

I think the sign should read, “Warning: This Is What Awaits You In Hell.”

(LAist) A baby in Compton was rushed to the hospital today after the mother accidentally gave the infant a sip of vodka. Details are sparse, but ABC7 reports that the mother thought she was giving the baby water from a water bottle, which turned out to be filled with the clear liquor. The baby swallowed about half a bottle cap of vodka. The incident is under investigation, and the Department of Children and Family services has also been notified. This isn’t the first time a baby has ingested vodka by the hand of a parent. In June 2011, a father in Atlanta, Georgia, fed his three-month-old daughter a mixture of vodka and baby formula. The apparently accidental incident proved fatal.

Ah the ol’ vodka in the water bottle mix-up. An American classic. Usually this happens in college the morning after a crazy night of drinking when someone blindly grabs the first bottle of “water” they see and chugs it. It’s happened to me before and I’ll say it’s potentially the worst experience of my life. Not being prepared for the taste of alcohol, especially vodka, can lead to instant projectile puking. And when you wake up hungover just the smell of alcohol could put you over the edge.

But as for this situation…hey baby. Do you even drink bro? Half a bottle cap? HA! Here let me change your diaper for you while I’m at it. People say crying babies are the worst. Psh, you know what’s worse than a crying baby? A crying baby who can’t hold their liquor. Hospital after half a bottle cap of vodka? Guess we won’t be seeing this baby at a Blackout any time soon. Wouldn’t even make it past the pregame without ruining their friends’ nights. I don’t want to sound cruel, but this baby’s life will forever be defined by the fact that it can’t hold it’s booze. High school kegs, college parties, you name it. Everyone will always remember the time he/she went to the hospital after half a bottle cap of vodka. You know why?

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Slide on the island that Bear Grylls tweeted on Monday morning

(DM) Survival expert Bear Grylls is facing a council probe into a huge slide he has built into the sea off his island which bureaucrats think could be unsafe and might need planning permission. Gwynedd Council is investigating after Mr Grylls installed the steep metal slide on St Tudwal’s West, just over half a mile off Gwynedd’s Llyn peninsula, North Wales, for his family to use. This week the 39-year-old posted a picture of the slide on his Twitter account saying: ‘New slide attached at home on our island! You hit the water very fast!!!!’  But the photo has raised eyebrows within the local council and has sparked safety and planning concerns as the rocky grass-covered island is an area of outstanding natural beauty. Gwynedd Council has confirmed it is now investigating and looking to speak to Mr Grylls, who has since removed the image from Twitter. Mr Wyn Williams, who represents Abersoch on Gwynedd Council, said: ‘I have been told that the slide can only be used a couple of hours a day due to the tide and that it will only be in place when Mr Grylls is on the island. ‘However, I don’t believe you should be allowed to erect a slide in an area of outstanding natural beauty such as St Tudwal’s Island before going through correct procedures.’  Mr Williams added: ‘I am very concerned that an accident could happen on this slide, since there have been no discussions with planning or the health and safety department of Gwynedd Council.’

Couple things to discuss here. FIrst, how does Bear Grylls have a private island and I don’t? He had like, two years of mediocre television success. And didn’t we find out that Man vs. Wild was fake? Like, he was chilling in the tents with producers every night and eating normal meals. FAF: Fake As Fuck. So how did he earn enough to buy an island?

Which brings us to our second point. That’s gotta be the shittiest island to buy of all time. When someone tells you to come party on their private island, you picture sunshine, crystal clear blue water, palm trees and white sand. Not this dreary, depressing northern England type shit. Isn’t England known for having some of the shittiest weather in the world? Constantly windy, rainy and cloudy. “But the grass is so green!” Fuck outta here with that shit. This island doesn’t even have a goddamn beach. Poor purchase by Bear Grylls. I guess that’s why he could afford it. Oh and sweet house bro. Hope it has enough room to fit your wife’s chin.

St.Tudwal's Island (West), off Abersoch, North Wales, with its\nsemi-ruined house, owned by Bear Grylls and his wife Shara
Island
Finally, let’s talk about that slide. I’m willing to disregard my first two paragraphs shitting on Bear Grylls if he gives me two hours to fuck around on that thing. I’m a HUGE water slide fan. Big drops, tunnels, tubes, family rafts. I love ’em all. But the adrenaline rush can get a little stale. It’s not like a roller coaster where they can constantly push the limits to make them faster and crazier. But a straight drop off a 20 foot cliff into the ocean is just what I need to rekindle my water slide passion. We could get real weird and lube our bodies up in butter and mayonnaise before hitting that thing. Nothing wrong with that. Just a couple grown men covering their bodies in condiments before sliding into the ocean on a private island off the coast of England. I know what I’m doing with my weekend, how ’bout you?

 

(This is a tweet from one of the pieces of shit who murdered the Australian baseball player in Oklahoma because they were bored.)

So a white guy was murdered in cold blood by a couple black kids for no reason, and Trayvon Martin was murdered in cold blood by a white (or spanish, who the fuck really knows at this point) guy for no reason. Well Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS NOW?

That’s really all I want to say. I’m not a racist, I’m a stereotyper. Big difference. I just hate when over-the-top activists only come out of the wood work when the situation fits their agenda. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson fit that bill like OJ’s glove. Keep doing you, guys. You literally get no respect from anyone other than black people, and I’m pretty sure most of them see through the little schtick you got going on too.

Bob-Filner-best-e1338403697725

(LAist) After 18 women, including a great-grandmother, came forward to accuse San Diego mayor Bob Filner of sexual harassment, prompting calls across party lines for his resignation and even a parody video asking him to resign, Filner is finally stepping down. San Diego’s NBC 7 reports that Filner has agreed to resign as part of a deal reached this week with city officials. He will formally vacate the office following a closed session of City Council Friday, according to several sources. Since the first accuser came forward on July 10, Filner has apologized and sought treatment (a two-week course that he “completed” in in one week) but adamantly refused to resign. Filner, who had held office for less than a year, was also under investigation for alleged “pay to play” schemes with developers, NBC 7 reports. Once Filner resigns, San Diego Council President Todd Gloria will take on the role of acting mayor under the city charter and there will probably be a primary special election within 60 to 90 days.

It’s been a fun and interesting ride the past two months covering the Bob Filner scandal. We went from one sexual harassment allegation to a whopping 18 during that time. Lot’s of fun and juicy details came out and we learned that good old Headlock is just an extremely horny old man who loves women of all shapes, sizes, and creeds. We found out Bob won’t hesitate to lay a sloppy french kiss on your face, and we found out he wants to go 8 hours in the sack with a great grandmother. I think years from now we’re gonna look at Bob Filner as one of the last old school politicians remaining from the eras where you could give the secretary’s butt cheek a little squeeze, or force a kiss upon the cute assistant. Times are rapidly changing and we can’t expect every old person to adapt so quickly. New school Anthony Weiner has a dick pic issue, Headlock Bob has a harassment in the workplace issue. But deep down they’re still human beings. They’re still smart men who want to serve the people. They’ve just got one problem: they only think with their dicks. Every guy has been there, so we need to take a step back and remove the villain tag from them. I’ll never forgot you, Bobby. Whaddya say we strike a pose one last time for old times sake.

Goodnight sweet prince.

(Guardian) The former pope Benedict has claimed that his resignation in February was prompted by God, who told him to do it during a “mystical experience”. Breaking his silence for the first time since he became the first pope to step down in 600 years, the 86-year-old reportedly said: “God told me to” when asked what had pushed him to retire to a secluded residence in the Vatican gardens. Benedict denied he had been visited by an apparition or had heard God’s voice, but said he had undergone a “mystical experience” during which God had inspired in him an “absolute desire” to dedicate his life to prayer rather than push on as pope. The German ex-pontiff’s comments, which are said to have been made a few weeks ago, were reported by the Catholic news agency Zenit, which did not name the person Benedict had spoken to. A senior Vatican source said the report was reliable. “The report seems credible. It accurately explains the spiritual process that brought Benedict to resign,” he said. Benedict said his mystical experience had lasted months, building his desire to create a direct and exclusive relationship with God. Now, after witnessing the “charisma” of his successor, Pope Francis, Benedict said he understood to a greater extent how his stepping aside was the “will of God”.

“God told me to.” Imagine having that excuse in your back pocket and nobody will argue with you over it? Fucking genius. You could literally do whatever the fuck you wanted and Catholics would just sit there and take the ass pounding. This is what I don’t get about devout Catholics. Do you really believe God is taking resumes for the Pope position because He only wants to communicate with one person on the planet? Like, Benedict was pope and apparently talked to God on the regular right? You don’t just magically lose that power once you step down. So now there’s two guys who can talk to God? Ah, fucking brain cramps like a mother fucker. I’m so glad I don’t follow a religion so I can sit here and make pope and Jew jokes all day without fearing any repercussions in the afterlife. If God forgives people for their sins, he’ll know that I’m just doing it because  I’m desperate for some cheap laughs and a blogger’s paycheck.

PS – Best resignation of all time forever and always.

Since I didn’t know what the fuck Etsy was until two minutes ago, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that nobody else does either. It’s basically E-Bay for arts and crafts people. When normal people like myself think of arts and crafts we picture macaroni paintings, friendship bracelets and knitted quilts. Well, apparently there’s a lot of psychopaths out there who also do arts and crafts. Take a look at some of the weirdest shit for sale on Etsy.

Bunch of Snakeskin and A Dead Turtle – $25

turtle

You know there’s some child rapist murderer who wants to wrap his dick in that snakeskin and fuck the dead turtle.

A Ferret Penis – $15

ferret

Honestly the colors in the picture might have sold me. I’ll only buy this ferret dick in a jar if the plush background comes with it. Great ambiance.

Giant Egg and Sperm Toys – $56

plush

These actually might be very useful for the birds and the bees conversation. A nice scientific demonstration with stuffed sperm and eggs is a lot less awkward than telling your children how they were the product of you and your wife fucking.

Jar of Human Toe Nails – $25

toe

You literally might be the sickest human on earth if you buy this. There’s not one use I could think of for a jar of my own toenails, nevermind a jar of someone elses. Toe nails really gross me out for some reason.

Mummified Fox Head – $275

fox

Nothing like a good old mummified fox head hanging over the dinner table to make your guests feel welcome. Fox heads remind me a lot of raptor heads. Probably should have just taken it easy with the googly eyes though.

Mummified Two-Headed Rabbit – $40

rabbit

Just your standard mutant bunny rabbit on sale for $40. Guarantee the sicko who buys the fox head tries to get a package deal for the mutant rabbit. But then again, who’s really the sicko here? The buyer or the seller?

A Stuffed Female Whore Dolphin – $33

dolphin

How do I know it’s female and a whore you ask?

dolph

That pussy is tore the fuck up. Dolphin gang bangs for days.

A Bag of Pig Fetuses – $150

pig

How did you get all these pig fetuses? Do I have to keep them in the bag? Can I take them out one by one and cook them for dinner? Does the $100 bill come with the purchase? Ah, so many questions.

A Boob With Teeth And Hair – $95

thing

Sad part is if you put that tit on a decent looking girl I’d suck on it in a heartbeat. Hair and teeth and everything in between.

Some Fucked Up Taxidermy Rat Shit – $160

rat

If this is what this guy will show us is in that room, I don’t want to know what the fuck I’d be seeing if the camera panned left or right.

Bloody Vagina Bowl – $150

bowl

Hey, at least she’s shaved.

Beaver Embryo – $35

beaver

Because it wouldn’t be Christmas if you didn’t get your kids exactly what they wanted.

And last but not least…

Graduation Day Penis – $25

grad

This thing is fucking AWESOME! Look at how pumped this mother fucker is (pun intended). Most kids get money when they graduate high school or college, but truly successful people always start their adulthood with a fist pumping penis. Oh you feel nervous for a job interview or you’ve got a big presentation to get done in front of some big wigs? Just take one look at Graduating Johnson and remember where your confidence comes from. Down in the plums. We did it Ma! Me and my Penis did it!

But in all seriousness anyone who buys any of these things needs to be evaluated asap.