Since I didn’t know what the fuck Etsy was until two minutes ago, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that nobody else does either. It’s basically E-Bay for arts and crafts people. When normal people like myself think of arts and crafts we picture macaroni paintings, friendship bracelets and knitted quilts. Well, apparently there’s a lot of psychopaths out there who also do arts and crafts. Take a look at some of the weirdest shit for sale on Etsy.
Bunch of Snakeskin and A Dead Turtle – $25
You know there’s some child rapist murderer who wants to wrap his dick in that snakeskin and fuck the dead turtle.
A Ferret Penis – $15
Honestly the colors in the picture might have sold me. I’ll only buy this ferret dick in a jar if the plush background comes with it. Great ambiance.
Giant Egg and Sperm Toys – $56
These actually might be very useful for the birds and the bees conversation. A nice scientific demonstration with stuffed sperm and eggs is a lot less awkward than telling your children how they were the product of you and your wife fucking.
Jar of Human Toe Nails – $25
You literally might be the sickest human on earth if you buy this. There’s not one use I could think of for a jar of my own toenails, nevermind a jar of someone elses. Toe nails really gross me out for some reason.
Mummified Fox Head – $275
Nothing like a good old mummified fox head hanging over the dinner table to make your guests feel welcome. Fox heads remind me a lot of raptor heads. Probably should have just taken it easy with the googly eyes though.
Mummified Two-Headed Rabbit – $40
Just your standard mutant bunny rabbit on sale for $40. Guarantee the sicko who buys the fox head tries to get a package deal for the mutant rabbit. But then again, who’s really the sicko here? The buyer or the seller?
A Stuffed Female Whore Dolphin – $33
How do I know it’s female and a whore you ask?
That pussy is tore the fuck up. Dolphin gang bangs for days.
A Bag of Pig Fetuses – $150
How did you get all these pig fetuses? Do I have to keep them in the bag? Can I take them out one by one and cook them for dinner? Does the $100 bill come with the purchase? Ah, so many questions.
A Boob With Teeth And Hair – $95
Sad part is if you put that tit on a decent looking girl I’d suck on it in a heartbeat. Hair and teeth and everything in between.
Some Fucked Up Taxidermy Rat Shit – $160
If this is what this guy will show us is in that room, I don’t want to know what the fuck I’d be seeing if the camera panned left or right.
Bloody Vagina Bowl – $150
Hey, at least she’s shaved.
Beaver Embryo – $35
Because it wouldn’t be Christmas if you didn’t get your kids exactly what they wanted.
And last but not least…
Graduation Day Penis – $25
This thing is fucking AWESOME! Look at how pumped this mother fucker is (pun intended). Most kids get money when they graduate high school or college, but truly successful people always start their adulthood with a fist pumping penis. Oh you feel nervous for a job interview or you’ve got a big presentation to get done in front of some big wigs? Just take one look at Graduating Johnson and remember where your confidence comes from. Down in the plums. We did it Ma! Me and my Penis did it!
But in all seriousness anyone who buys any of these things needs to be evaluated asap.