Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Ben Affleck Is The New Batman

Posted: August 23, 2013 in Movies

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(Variety) Ben Affleck is Batman. The actor will replace Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne in the upcoming untitled Superman-Batman feature for Warner Bros., the studio announced Thursday. Affleck becomes the eighth actor to play the Caped Crusader, following Bale, George Clooney and Michael Keaton. “We knew we needed an extraordinary actor to take on one of DC Comics’ most enduringly popular Super Heroes, and Ben Affleck certainly fits that bill, and then some,” WB president Greg Silverman said in a statement. Directed by “Man of Steel” filmmaker Zack Snyder, the Superman-Batman feature will open worldwide on July 17, 2015, with Henry Cavill, Amy Adams and Diane Lane reprising their roles. 

Christian Bale out. Ben Affleck in. I don’t know why there’s this stigma around Ben Affleck as an actor. Argo was good, The Town was great, Good Will Hunting was a long ass time ago but that was great too. To me he’s pretty decent and he’ll probably do fine as Batman.

And let’s not forget that he was banging J-Lo in her prime, and her prime was damn near as hot as it gets. She was my number one at the time. So you have to salute him for that. Remember this poster?

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I’ll leave you with Ben Affleck’s best performance to close out my thoughts on him. “Applesauce, bitch.”

Giant star: 6'4

Bloated: Chevy Chase looked like he was battling middle aged spread when he arrived at Los Angeles airport on Wednesday

Friendly funny man: Chase signed autographs for excited fans upon his arrival at the airportFriendly funny man: Chase signed autographs for excited fans upon his arrival at the airport

Hey if you ask me, Chevy Chase can get as fat and bloated as he wants. Guy is an absolute legend. SNL, Clark Griswold, Caddyshack. The Chevy Chase Show*. He’s an all time great. And now he’s an all time great with a multiple layered chin. Look at that beast. He’s got tan lines on top of tan lines just in his neck region. He doesn’t care though. Probably just gave Beverly D’Angelo her mile high membership. Chevy Chase…always on a quest for fun.

*I know the lady who gave the green light to The Chevy Chase Show. She still gets embarrassed anytime it’s brought up. Said he was popping pills backstage before show time every night. Classic Chevy.

By far his best moment.

James Franco Presents Teaser

(This is actually the way he announced it)

(Hollywood Gossip) James Franco has somehow found time in his schedule for yet another new gig. The actor/poet/graduate school student/Rif Raff wannabe announced this morning that he will soon host a series titled James Franco Presents on Ovation… which apparently is a network and everything! In classic James Franco fashion, this is how he confirmed the program: artistic Instagram style! Franco will also serve as executive producer on what is billed via press release as “an unprecedented look at the fascinating projects and real-life adventures of Mr. Franco.”

I couldn’t care less about James Franco’s new show, but it’s a perfect segway into a topic that’s bothered me for a while. What’s the deal with James Franco? Is he just a total hipster doofus art-loving tool in real life but he dominates his roles on screen? I think that’s it, but I can’t accept it. I’d like to think he’s just chill and cool like he is in all of his roles. Apparently that’s not the case though. Like in “This Is The End”* when they first get to his party and he starts talking about how everything is art. I think that’s how he is in real life and that was the big joke.

It just bothers me that someone who owns all his roles like he does could be such a doucher in real life. I guess that’s why he’s a good actor though. He doesn’t even smoke and he played a PERFECT pothead in Pineapple Express. Danny from Freaks And Geeks was as cool and badass as they come. The Fonze of a generation. But real life James Franco likes lensless glasses and finger painting. Disappointment city.

*If you haven’t seen This Is The End, you’re missing out. Absolutely hilarious movie. They all kill it. Danny McBride, Craig Robinson and our man James Franco specifically.

Vs.

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(LAist) Who could possibly play wrestler Hulk Hogan in an upcoming biopic? The wrestler nominates hunky Thor star Chris Hemsworth for the job. In a recent interview with Cape Breton News, Hogan admitted he’d once considered his son, Nick, for the role (as he’d told TMZ) but now wants someone with acting experience. “I said [Nick would] be perfect for it but I think we need a serious, serious actor that knows what he’s doing. You know who I thought would be good? That guy that did that action movie, Thor [Chris Hemsworth],” the 60-year-old wrestler said. While we love us some Thor, we’ve never thought of the elder Hemsworth brother as a “serious, serious actor,” major brooding about his wayward half-brother, Loki aside. Hemsworth certainly has the buff bod for the job, but do you really want to deface that mug with Hogan’s trademark fu manchu?

Gotta love the move by the Hulk here. Just calling out the most shredded actor on the big screen to play him in his biopic. You can’t really argue with him either. I mean look at Hulk in that top picture. Rip city, population him. So it’s only natural that he wants someone who can curl 135 without breaking a sweat to get the role. Really look at the guns on Thor. Is it just me or are they too big for the rest of his body? Like, if you’re gonna have arms and shoulders like that, you need to focus on your traps a little more. It just looks a little awkward to me. Like he’s Spongebob with blow up arms or something.

But also, this got me thinking about something. When my life is winding down and studios are pitching the idea of a biopic to me, who am I gonna want to play the man, myth and legend that is John Bicknell? Since I can’t see into the future and pick out the best actor 50 years from now, we have to use current ones. So here’s who I think would have a shot at portraying me the best.

– Joel David Moore AKA J.P. from Grandma’s Boy

He’d be perfect for teenage Bick. Skinny, big nose, goofy, but a heart of gold. Mix in a little acne and I think we’ve got a match.

 

– One of the guys from Property Brothers.

This guy needs to play college/20’s Bick. Tall, dark and handsome with a splash of athleticism and intelligence mixed in. An absolute lady killer. Finally grew into his body after years of awkward skinniness. He wasn’t made to flip properties, he was made to play me in my biopic.

– Pierce Brosnan

I have a feeling I’m gonna be a DILF, and eventually a GILF. So Pierce Brosnan seems like a good fit for post-40 Bick. He’s not over the top good looking but he’s still got sweet hair and that James Bond swagger. I wanted to go with Clooney but I’m a realist. He’s too short to play me. Pierce gets the nod.

Honorable mentions: Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey (for when I eventually give away all of my possessions and live in a shack in Venice), Ryan Anderson (only during the basketball scenes), Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Zac Effron, and Bradley Cooper. Unfortunately none of them were good looking enough to make the cut.

 

Happy 50th Birthday John Stamos!

Posted: August 19, 2013 in Movies, Music

Have mercy! Can’t believe it’s the big 5-0 for this ageless freak. He’s right up there with the likes of Clooney, Timberlake and Jeter as top guys to trade lives with. Ass crushing machine who can’t stop won’t stop until the memories of Aunt Becky slowly fade away. I mean, he’s gotta be in every chicks top 3 over 40 right? Clooney and Stamos are just in legendary classes of their own. He’s the only guy who is on a level of cool where he can answer the phone with “Talk to me.” John Stamos…so hot forever. John Stamos.

Just know this is what your girlfriend/wife thinks about while you’re stabbing her vagina with your limp noodle…

Stamos

(Source) Lee Thompson Young, the former star of late ’90s Disney Channel series The Famous Jett Jackson, was found dead of an apparent gunshot wound at his home in Los Angeles Monday. According to TMZ, authorities say the wound appears to have been self-inflicted. Prior to his death, Young had appeared as a series regular on TNT’s Rizzoli & Isles, portraying homicide detective Barry Frost. Production staff reportedly contacted Young’s landlord after the actor failed to turn up for work. The landlord discovered his body. Young was 29 years old.

RIP to the coolest Urchin to ever hit the slopes.

(2:30 since I know you’re all gonna watch this)

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Doubleyew-Tee-Ef bro? Take it ease for a goddamn second. Bitches can’t process this much sex appeal so fast. There’s gonna be flash flood warnings once this picture goes viral.

But really…REALLY? Fucking shit man. How the hell is a normal dude like myself living in Hollywood supposed to smash any type of poon at all when every female over a 5 has her heart set on this mother fucker? It ain’t fair I tell ya. Like, you can either be super good looking and famous, or normal/ugly and have a python. Those should be the choices. Every rich famous actor should have a medium to small dick. None of this Jon Hamm/Ryan Gosling business. That’s just rubbing shit in our faces after we already got pissed on. Next thing you know Channing Tatum’s gonna do a full nude scene and pull a genoa salami out of his pants.

These are the times that remind me there’s probably not a God. And if there is, he’s a cruel prick who likes to play dick jokes on average looking dudes and make pussy nearly unattainable unless you have seven figures in your bank account.

(Source) Kristen Stewart is about to prove that she’s not just a pretty – very pale – face. The Twilight star is going back to school, and doing a full-on degree. Robert Pattinson’s on/off girlfriend has enrolled at America’s prestigious UCLA to study English Literature – while carrying on with her film commitments, too. It means the 23-year-old, who is currently shooting her new war movie Camp X-Ray, is set to become one of the hardest working actresses in Hollywood. A source revealed: “Yes, Kristen’s a Tinseltown actress worth millions but she is already considering a life after film. She never got to complete college and she wants to get a proper education. “She is a voracious reader and cannot wait to get going on her correspondence course. “It won’t be easy and it will mean putting in some fairly strenuous hours. But once she’s graduated, Kristen will be able to do almost anything she wants, in or out of Hollywood.”

No, I wouldn’t be scared to approach her because she’s a celebrity. And no, I wouldn’t be scared to approach her because she’s hot (I’m really not big on her but if she was a normal girl in my class I’d obviously be rockin a chub). I’d be scared to approach her because she looks like a raging hormonal bitch. Those two pictures are literally the only ones where she looks good and is somewhat cracking a smile. I don’t know if the whole stone-face thing is just her own personal Blue Steel, but it makes my dick shrivel back into it’s shell like a frightened turtle sometimes. She seems like the type of girl that’d bite down hard during a blowjob just to see your reaction. Translation: Not cool.

And really, Kristen. How about showing some enthusiasm? You’re presenting at the Oscars. At least pretend like you have a soul.

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(LAist) You know what’s missing from Hollywood? Boobs. There just are simply not enough of them out there on the silver screen. And because of that, Amanda Seyfried is now worried that her decision to show off the girls in her upcoming movie, “Lovelace,” could cost her her career. In an interview with the Sunday Times, Seyfried said, “This is the riskiest thing that’s happening in Hollywood right now…The first thing you think about is that it could ruin my career.” Seyfried plays porn star Linda Lovelace in the movie, who found fame in the epic movie for which Seyfried’s film is named. The movie also stars Peter Sarsgaard and Sharon Stone.

I’m trying to figure out why Amanda Seyfried thinks showing off her fun bags in her new movie is going to hurt her career. After doing 10 minutes of titty research, I’m confident that she’s got a small, but healthy C-cup. Definitely nothing to scoff at. Two minutes in the closet with her and I’m a motor boatin’ son of a bitch. So where’s this inferiority complex coming from? Can anyone think of any reason why Amanda Seyfried, a rising star with nice tits, would have such little confidence in her physical appearance?

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Oh yeah. She was the dumb ugly one in Mean Girls surrounded by three of the sexiest bitches alive at the time. Lohan in her prime. Absolute cannons on her in this movie. Gretchen Weiners was a brunette bombshell, and Rachel McAdams has only gotten hotter. So yeah, I’m sure they wrote some mean shit about her titties in the Burn Book.

 Leonardo DiCaprio reveals a definite paunch as he lets a friend tie his hair into a ponytail in Ibiza on Wednesday

Hell no. This mother fucker couldn’t curl 10 lbs right now if his next role in a Scorsese movie depended on it. Spaghetti arms for days. Pot belly and chest flab out the wazoo. But do you think he cares?

Don't mind me: Leonardo takes to the air on the futuristic looking Flyboard

Getting cocky: As well as flying through the air Leo was seen driving into the water

Thrill-seeker: Leonardo DiCpario was seen propelling himself into the air, thanks to a pair of jet pack shoes in the sea in Ibiza on Wednesday

Zero fucks given.