I went to Portland, Oregon this weekend (felt the need to clarify since so many people outside of New England think of Maine first). Just a casual 36 hour visit for a friend’s bday. Ndb. Ballin on a budget. Great city, hipster central, visit if you haven’t, blah blah blah. Portland was great but that’s not the point of this blog.
On the way there, I was fortunate enough to be on a flight that had quite the attractive young lady as a flight attendant. I didn’t immediately notice how cute she was, though. I was sitting there minding my own business, trying to not get sneezed on by anyone, when I realized that whenever this particular flight attendant walked by, she was staring directly at my crotch. I don’t know if it was the pants tent I was rocking or the seatbelt she was checking, but she couldn’t take her eyes off my dongal region. Once I was able to get over the initial shock of the offensive ogling I was being subjected to, I came to the realization that she was pretty damn cute. A tall brunette with a warm smile and bug eyes (the cute kind, not the ones that strike you with a fearection). And I could see she was hiding a slender but curvy body under that full length dress. It made me remember that on my last flight, there was also a hot flight attendant that caught my eye during boarding. What a lucky guy I am, to be blessed with two babes as flight attendants on consecutive trips. :::Purchasing lotto ticket immediately after writing this. Will not update if win:::
But it made me think, I never hear anyone talk about sexy flight attendants anymore. It seems like a lost art that’s gone unappreciated in today’s world of unlimited instagram models and curvy teachers. It’s like how the three point shot has completely taken over basketball. Sure, it’s flashy and is worth more points. But there’s something satisfying about throwing the ball into the low post and watching two giants battle it out three feet away from the hoop. A flight attendant in a long dress may not have the optics of a brazilian girl in a bikini doing squats, but there has to be an appreciation for the pioneering of the game. Back in the day, stewardesses were THE sexy profession. You had to be a minimum 7.5 to even get an interview. The majority of air travel was for successful businessmen who just wanted to get belligerently drunk and grope a few buttcheeks. Nothing wrong with that. Just some good ol’ bastard behavior. So, the flight attendant became sort of a showcase. You want businessmen to fly Pan-Am? Beef up that roster with the finest tail the sky has to offer. The Mile High Club ain’t a myth, son. There was a lot of promiscuity 30,000 feet off the ground. Because you know what? Air travel is an underrated aphrodisiac. Well, at least it was back in the golden age of air travel. Today it’s a bit different, and you’d have to be a sick son of a bitch to get turned on in an airplane. Although, maybe I’m wrong. Nothing gets the juices flowing quite like a ginger ale and a bag of sun chips while being nestled snugly between an overweight man who smells of foul cheese and a 12 year old kid who flicks his boogers an inch from your feet. Mmm.
Sorry, I’m getting off track. The point is, we need to start appreciating hot flight attendants more. What people once looked forward to as a key, boner-inducing part of air travel is now, sadly, an afterthought. Inappropriate groping and ogling has been replaced by ear buds and mindless swiping. There’s a whole legion of sexy ladies in blue one-pieces with cute little handkerchief neck-scarves and captain hats that deserve recognition. They provide bored, uncomfortable men who can’t sleep and have sore knees with something to look at for that oh so miserable flight. They’re diamonds in the ruff that come around once in a blue moon, and I’ll be damned if they don’t make a comeback and become recognized as one of the sexiest professions.
Not every man is as lucky as I am to be blessed with two smoke shows on two consecutive flights. That’s why I’m taking the time to thank the man upstairs. Human Resources Manager of JetBlue (4th floor, JetBlue HQ), I appreciate what you do. I appreciate that you hold your flight attendants to a high standard of physical attractiveness. I value your persistence to bringing us back to the golden age of flight attendants. And most of all, I admire your respect for the Mile High Club. It’s people like you who keep alive the dream of sex with an airline employee at 30,000 feet in a 3X3 bathroom surrounded by 150+ people. I make it my crusade to tweet at every airline a simple thank you when they provide me, the consumer, with a hot flight attendant. It makes my miserable trip a little less awful.