Archive for January, 2017

Friday Funnies: Lit House

Posted: January 21, 2017 in Uncategorized

The boys have a little dance session before their first house party to practice their panty melting moves for the ladies coming over later…

Have a lit weekend!

(DailyMail) – Actress Minnie Driver is claiming victory in her bitter, long-running feud with an elderly neighbor, DailyMail.com can reveal. A Los Angeles judge today threatened to throw the 75 year-old man in jail if he doesn’t complete community service and knock down a wall at the center of their dispute. The vicious battle between Driver, 46 – star of ABC’s series Speechless – and Daniel Perelmutter erupted two years ago when he started building an ultra-modern, luxury house on his Hollywood Hills property, next to the driveway he shares with the Good Will Hunting star. Their mutual rancor – involving a wall he built that she claims narrowed the driveway and construction allegedly blocking access to her home – soon turned ugly with Driver accusing the grandfather-of-seven, among many other things, of frightening her and her eight year-old son.  He countered with equally nasty barbs, claiming she screamed abuse at him and even vandalized his house by throwing baby food jars filled with black paint at a wall. When a restraining order she took out against Perelmutter in 2015 failed to end the feud, Driver went to Los Angeles Superior Court again last October. 

And this time she won. She asked Judge Mark Borenstein to hold Perelmutter in contempt for violating an already existing easement order that said the shared driveway could not be blocked and should also remain 20 feet wide. After studying maps and property lines and hearing testimony from Driver, Perelmutter and other witnesses, including more neighbors, Perelmutter was found not guilty of blocking the shared driveway – but he was found guilty of contempt for reducing the width of the driveway to 14 feet in order to make room to build a wall around his new house. Judge Borenstein today sentenced Perelmutter – who walks around with a crooked driftwood cane – to five days in jail, suspended on condition he completes 10 days community service. He was ordered to remove the offending wall by April 12. And he was also fined $1,000 and ordered to pay Driver’s attorney fees. Despite being found guilty during his three-week trial back in November, in court Perelmutter still railed at Driver, saying that she ‘perjured herself in every way with her testimony of complete lies’ during the trial, putting on a ‘performance worthy of an Oscar winner.’ Describing himself as a ‘disabled army veteran injured in the service of my country,’ Perelmutter read a long statement to the court, his hands shaking from what he called a Parkinsons-like disorder caused by stress. 

There are few things in life worse than having a rift with your next door neighbor. It consumes your entire being. The mere sight of the person will make your blood boil. Small quirks will blow up into giant outbursts. I remember once yelling “SHUT UP!” out the window at my neighbor because he was mowing his lawn outside my window at 9 AM on a Saturday. Nothing wrong with a little 9 AM mow sesh, but I already had premeditated beef with the guy so I exploded on him. It’s not a healthy way to live. Home should be a place where you can kick back, relax, and jerk off in peace. Not a place where you hole up by the window like a soldier peaking over the edge of the trench waiting to throw a grenade at your annoying neighbor.

This specific property battle is a bit unique though. It’s not something as simple as a ruckus complaint, or even the dude’s tree branches hanging too far into Minnie Driver’s yard. Those could all be easily remedied and not require two years of court proceedings. And the fact that Daniel Perelmutter was using this giant wall specifically as a barrier to block out noise and disruption from his neighbors means he had that right idea. The only problem is it stretched onto the shared driveway with Minnie Driver, and created a bottleneck. Take a look…

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That’s a pretty tight squeeze right in the middle there. I gotta side with Minnie on this one. I’d be annoyed as hell if I had to slow to a crawl and hold my breath that I don’t scrape anything every time I pulled into my multi-million dollar Hollywood mansion.

So what did Minnie Driver do to show Daniel Perelmutter that she means business?

blackpaint

Boom. Suck on a couple blotches of black paint, bitch. Minnie Driver ain’t nuthin to fuck wit! You think there won’t be any repercussions for putting a nasty grey wall in her driveway? Think again. What a brutal, savage, deviously calculated move by Driver. Prank level: 1000.

After all of this, I was ready to side with Minnie Driver and close the book on this case. All evidence points to her being in the right here.

But then I saw a picture of Danny Perelmutter coming out of the courtroom with his lawyer…

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WOW. Welcome to the electric factory, population Danny ‘Mutter and his dapper ass lawyer. I can only pray I run into these guys on a Saturday night on Sunset and they take me up to their party mansion for an unforgettable night of strippers and cocaine.

Seriously, I’ve never felt as incomplete as I feel right now without a pimped out walking stick…

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It’s the final piece I need to complete my recreation of Kramer’s pimp walk.

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I will not rest until I get that walking stick. Danny ‘Mutter, DM me (@jbicks1988) and we can talk prices. I’m also open to interesting trades. Just not gay sex. I don’t think. Idk let me know what you want for it and we’ll see if I’m up to the task.

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(LA Times) – The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau sued the nation’s largest servicer of student loans Wednesday, alleging that Navient Corp. cheated borrowers, resulting in higher payments for Americans struggling to pay back their student loans. The federal consumer agency said that Navient, formerly part of Sallie Mae, “failed to provide the most basic functions of adequate student loan servicing at every stage of repayment for both private and federal loans.” The Wilmington, Del., company, the agency said, provided student borrowers with inaccurate information, ignored complaints, processed payments incorrectly and steered borrowers toward higher-cost repayment options.  

“For years, Navient failed consumers who counted on the company to help give them a fair chance to pay back their student loans,” CFPB Director Richard Cordray said in a statement. “At every stage of repayment, Navient chose to shortcut and deceive consumers to save on operating costs. Too many borrowers paid more for their loans because Navient illegally cheated them, and today’s action seeks to hold them accountable.” The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Pennsylvania, says Navient violated the Dodd-Frank reform act, the Fair Credit Reporting Act and the Fair Debt Collections Practices Act. The agency is seeking redress for borrowers harmed by the practices and to prevent any future harm.

In all, the servicer slapped borrowers with additional interest charges of up to $4 billion by enrolling them in repeated forbearance plans from January 2010 to March 2015, according to the consumer agency. 

No! This can’t be true. I refuse to accept it. I simply will not believe that a company who gives away thousands of dollars to 18 year olds with no job, credit history, or legitimate means to pay them back could possibly do something this heinous. Purposely misleading these innocent 20-somethings with shady fine print details and steering them toward payment plans with higher interest rates? All in the middle of their quarter-life crisis? This is worse than finding out Santa isn’t real. It’s on par with realizing the WWE is scripted! I had placed such loyal trust in Sallie Mae, Freddie Mac, Tommy Noble, Johnny Two-Times, and Stevie Janowski. Those were my peoples, man. And to know that they’ve been taking my hard-earned money from me every month and then wetting their beaks on the side? Needless to say, this cuts deep into my heart, soul, and pockets.

Sure, this is pretty fucked up. Trying to drive recent college grads who are making bottom of the barrel salaries toward monthly payment plans that have higher interest rates is “unethical,” in a sense. I’m definitely glad there’s a federal lawsuit and sort of a watchdog effort to keep these loan companies in check. But when it boils down to it, I can’t muster up the energy to get outraged over this one. What am I supposed to do? Stomp my feet and curse out a bunch of billionaires who correctly assumed that most 22-30 year olds are too lazy to take a deep look into their agreements and argue with customer service agents over the phone who are guiding them toward a more revenue-friendly plan? No, I actually have to give them some props. Basically, they were fucking us all in the ass and daring us to question why.

 

 

Look, all I’m saying is that nowadays, going to college is kinda like smoking cigarettes. Are there benefits? Sure, you’ll get a degree which will “help you get a job” and you’ll have plenty of booze and sex filled nights that you can reminisce about for the rest of your life. Just like how cool you’ll look smoking a butt outside the bar. But the risks are well documented. You know what you’re getting into. The joy ride is fun while it lasts, but it’s going to cost you in the long run.

They’re selling you on a luxery, not a necessity. So don’t go buying volcano insurance when you live in the heart of Rhode Island…

cjohnson

We hear it all the time, warm weather/dome teams are soft. They don’t have to deal with the fluctuating and unpredictable weather elements of playing outdoors in a cold weather city. They lack a certain grit and balls that can be masked in September and October, but comes into play in December and January when the games really matter. Warm weather/dome teams can’t win on the road in cold weather environments in the playoffs.

Without actual evidence, any reasonable NFL fan with a brain would accept these statements as fact. But I wanted to find out for real if they carried any weight.

I went back to 1978 when the Wildcard was established and a three-round playoff was implemented. What I was looking for were warm weather/dome teams that went on the road to cold weather cities and won games. First, I tried to see if any made it to the Super Bowl by winning a cold road game. Since that didn’t yield many results at all, I tried finding teams that won just one cold road game in their conference AFTER the Wildcard round.

First, let’s establish who the WARM WEATHER teams are (Avg. temp  OVER 60 degrees in January):

Dolphins, Chargers, Cardinals, LA Rams, Jaguars, Bucs, LA Raiders.

And here are the DOME teams:

Vikings, Cowboys, Texans/Oilers, St. Louis Rams, Lions, Saints, Colts.

 

Let’s start by giving a quick shoutout to 2013 which saw two of the above teams win on the road in wildcard weekend (Saints and Chargers).

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I know I was looking for Divisional/Championship game winners only, but this was the only year where TWO of the Warm Weather/Dome teams won cold road games in the same wildcard weekend. The Saints grabbed a close win in Green Bay, and the Chargers smoked Cincy in a battle of last decade’s “Good Teams Who Have Achieved Nothing.”

Now, on to the real contenders…

1989-90 LA Rams

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Credit where credit is due, the 1989-90 LA Rams were not nearly as big a group of pussies as the town they represented. They grabbed two road wins in traditionally freezing Philly and New York before they got embarrassed by the Niners in the NFC Championship game. I guess the silver lining is the 49ers outscored their three opponents by a whopping 100 points in the playoffs, 126-26. THAT is dominance.

 

1996-97 Jacksonville Jaguars

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Most people look at the Jacksonville Jaguars as a joke franchise that hasn’t accomplished anything in their history. But people forget that when the Jags first stepped on the scene as an expansion franchise in 1995, they actually had some immediate success and “took it to the limit.” Mark Brunell was a good quarterback before Tom Brady made him cry, and in just their second year, the Jags went on the road as the 5-seed and beat Buffalo (ha, classic Bills), and top-seed Denver each by a score of 30-27 before losing at New England in the AFC Championship game. That’s actually a pretty impressive little playoff run they put together. Unfortunately for Jags fans, the team has sucked ass for 90% of their existence since then. Jaguars – do what you gotta do to get back into the playoffs. Whatever it takes. Time to stop playing by the rules and start stealing the show again…

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1994-95 San Diego Chargers

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Ah, perfect time to take a stroll down memory lane with the high point of the San Diego Chargers franchise. While there have been better Chargers teams (mid-2000s with young Phillip Rivers and LT), there were none who took it to the limit (see Jags post above), quite like the 1994-95 Chargers did. Grabbing a win in the AFC Championship game in Pittsburgh against the far more experienced Steelers franchise was a huge upset. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like I know a lot about this team. I don’t. I was 7. But it was the first Super Bowl I can actually remember watching, and they got absolutely annihilated by the 49ers, with Jerry Rice going off for three TDs and Steve Young finally getting out of Montana’s shadow.

 

And finally without further adieu, the one warm weather team to win a cold road game on their way to a Super Bowl title is none other than…

The 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

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I think we all have fond memories of this Tampa team. Their defense was filthy. Warren Sapp, Derrick Brooks, John Lynch, Ronde Barber, Simeon Rice. Completely stacked. And the offense was led by the last sub-par QB to ever win a Super Bowl, Brad Johnson. But they also had Warrick Dunn, Keyshawn Johnson, Joe Jurevicius, and the greatest alleged-homosexual fullback of all time, Mike “The A-Train” Alstott. Not to mention they had just stolen John Gruden from their Super Bowl opponent, the Oakland Raiders. All of this added up to what was expected to be a great Super Bowl matchup, but instead the Bucs smoked the Raiders in a defensive clinic. They only let up 196 total points on the season, which is right up there amongst the best of all time. Tampa was the 2-seed in the NFC Playoffs and had to go on the road to Philadelphia to beat the 1-seed Eagles in the Championship game. They say defense travels and this is a perfect example of that.

So as you see, in the nearly 40 years since the Wildcard was introduced, there have only been four instances where a warm weather/dome team has won a cold road playoff game in the divisional round or later. That’s pretty wild if you think about it. Now, that’s not to say warm weather/dome teams haven’t had success in the league. They certainly have made it to and won super bowls. But they did so as home teams. What my research shows is that they really struggle on the road in cold weather.

I have no idea why I did this, but it seemed like an interesting point that could be brought up to settle bar arguments or answer a trivia question. So…here are some Mike Alstott career highlights for your enjoyment.

 

 

 

 

I’m glad there’s someone else out there who also thought the same thing as I did when I saw Walt Jr meet Saul Goodman for the first time in Season 5 of Breaking Bad. Anyone who doesn’t believe in love at first sight, I submit this to you as Exhibit A. What a savage. He has absolutely no shame and is 100% rocking an admiration boner for his local celebrity here. Saul, good luck to ya. Because when it comes to sexual libido, Walt Jr far outclasses Walt Sr. What do you think he did in all those cars that he got? They were shaggin’ wagons. Chicks dig em.

Apparently RJ Mitte is some sort of model now? I concluded this through extensive amount of research (“Walt Jr Breaking Bad” google image search), and stumbled upon some pics.

When everyone thinks you’re disabled but on the low-low you’re a runway model for titty tee shirts and sandals…

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americanpsycho

(Source) – A California woman accused of impersonating her ex-boyfriend’s new wife inCraigslist “rape-fantasy” ads has been exonerated, after spending nearly four months in jail for a crime she never committed, authorities say. Orange County prosecutors say 30-year-old Michelle Hadley was framed. Now they’ve charged the wife who falsely accused her with a slew of felonies, including 22 counts of falsely reporting a crime to Anaheim police. Angela Maria Diaz, 31, faces kidnapping, false-imprisonment, and forgery charges in connection to the elaborate setup. She was also charged with one count of perjury for lying in a petition for a restraining order against Hadley. Diaz was arrested in Phoenix last week and will be extradited to California, prosecutors said Monday. If convicted, she faces as much as 12 years and eight months in a state prison, and 11 years in a county jail. “When a person who’s committed a crime gets arrested and charged, that’s a bad day. But when someone who’s innocent gets arrested and charged with a crime, that’s not just a bad day. It’s a nightmare.” Hadley was first arrested in June 2016, when police accused her of violating a restraining order obtained by Diaz, who also goes by the name Angela Connell. Back then, Hadley was released on $100,000 bail. But cops cuffed Hadley again in July, after police claimed she was posing as Diaz in Craigslist ads soliciting “rape fantasies.” She was held on $1 million bond. But authorities would soon learn that Diaz was sending herself the threatening emails, which included links to graphic images of dead and decapitated human beings, as well as aborted fetuses, Rackauckas said. Hadley was finally released from jail in October, when prosecutors were already reexamining Diaz’s accusations.

If you want to read the full article, I highly recommend it. There are a lot of moving parts to this story, but it’s really some wild, wild stuff. I’ll do my best summation below…

  • GIRL 1 (Michelle Hadley) is the ex-girlfriend of John Doe.
  • GIRL 2 (Angelina Diaz) is the current girlfriend of John Doe.
  • GIRL 2 accused GIRL 1 of posing as GIRL 2 on Craigslist and soliciting ads for rape fantasies.
  • GIRL 1 spends 4 months in jail for this.
  • Turns out, GIRL 2 was actually the one posing as GIRL 2, posing as GIRL 1. So GIRL 2 was in fact, posing as herself.

The term diabolical gets thrown around a lot these days, and most of it is hyperbole. But this plot concocted in the brain of Angelina Diaz is 100% DIABOLICAL. This is some next-level psycho stuff we’re witnessing. Posing as someone who is posing to be you? Wow. You know how sometimes people who run public social media accounts will forget to switch out of that account and tweet something as if it’s from their personal account? It’s a fairly common mistake these days. So how the hell did Angelina Diaz manage everything in her plan? With all of the different emails, craigslist posts, interactions with psychos, and pictures of aborted fetuses, you’d think she would slip up at some point and send an email to the wrong person, completely blowing her cover. But Angelina Diaz is not your ordinary, run of the mill rape-fantasy catfisher.

While I fully support her going to jail for this, I do think she demonstrated quality ambition and execution in this endeavor. We all hear about how hard it is for former convicts to get work when they’re out of prison. Well, I’d like to give my personal recommendation in support of Ms. Diaz to any future perspective employer. Angelina Diaz has shown that she is a self-starter, and someone who will not hesitate to take the lead on projects. She’s an ideas person. Someone who is constantly pushing the boundaries of what can and can’t be done. She has experience in the most cutting-edge technologies, and can juggle multiple tasks at once. Her research skills are top notch, and she always goes the extra mile to include every last detail that will help her project. Ms. Diaz is also experienced in consumer-facing positions, where she will go the distance to achieve customer satisfaction no matter what the client desires.

For real though. She’s got everything you look for in a good worker, you know, besides her sanity. But sometimes you need a wildcard at your company to stir things up when they get too stagnant. Always Sunny has Charlie, the Bulls had Dennis Rodman, Reservoir Dogs had Mr. Blonde, and “insert company name here” NEEDS Angelina Diaz. Life and business are about taking chances. Angelina Diaz knows that, and that’s why you should hire her.

lohanmuslim

(Source) – Members of the Muslim faith are welcoming Lindsay Lohan to Islam after the actress deleted her Instagram account and changed her bio on the social media site. Over the weekend, Lohan got rid of every photo on her Instagram page, leaving nothing but her profile picture and a bio that now reads: ‘Alaikum salam.’ The Arabic greeting translates to ‘and unto you peace,’ and many took it mean that Lohan was converting to the Muslim faith. ‘Im so happy that lindsay lohan found Islam. may Allah guide her and bless her,’ wrote one young woman on Twitter. Another posted on her account: ‘I heard that Lindsay Lohan converted to Islam? If its true, alhamdulillah. God has shown her the right path to now follow. Lohan has not revealed however if she is in fact converting to the faith, and a rep for the actress did not respond to a request for comment from DailyMail.com. 

Annnnd we’re finally coming full circle on the Lindsay Lohan epic. January 2017. A landmark event in the Lohan timeline, where she announces her conversion to Islam by erasing all of the pictures on her Instagram and starting over. I do wonder if she realizes that everything about her life has an eternal shelf-life in the ethers of the web. But either way, it’s more important that she truly believes a new Instagram means a new you. If only more people adapted that mindset, we could finally progress forward with many of the issues that plague this country. Oh you said a few risky racial slurs on Twitter? No problem. Erase your account and start over. Turn the page on that part of your life. New Twitter, new you. You definitely don’t harbor any of those feelings that you made public 15 minutes ago.

It’s been a quiet couple of years for Lindsay Lohan. After a string of drunk driving arrests in 2013 she kind of fell off the grid. Her run of dominance as THE Hollywood Party Girl was truly a thing of greatness. New up and comers like Miley Cyrus have Ms. Lohan to thank for making drunken debauchery and sexual promiscuity acceptable in the social media age. In her prime, it felt like we were getting a new tall tale about Lohan’s weekend dropping every Monday. Some great quotes include, “I’ve done coke maybe four or five times in my life,” and “I’ve never been a big drinker.” Lol.

But if this is for real, and we’re officially done with the crazy, sometimes sexy, always scary Lindsay Lohan, I wanted to throw a quick tribute to her. Many of the youngins might not know it, but at one time she was legitimately in the conversation for hottest celebrity. She has a grade-A rack and gave gingers the hope they needed in a time where they were being persecuted and accused of not having souls.

So here’s to Lindsay Lohan, one of the all time greats and a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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dogs

Yes, it’s true. I, John Bicknell, have never owned a dog. It’s not something I’m proud of. Actually, it’s a fact I tend to keep concealed whenever possible. If I’m around people who are talking about their dogs, I just chuckle, keep my head down, and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Kinda like when you pretend you’ve seen a movie that everyone is talking about, just to avoid the awkwardness (I still haven’t seen any of The Godfather’s, little bonus confession for ya). That’s how I feel about the lack of dogs in my life. It sucks. And with the social media boom, I’m constantly being bombarded with pictures and videos of dogs being awesome. I’m not complaining, it’s amazing. Hell, if you go to my Instagram (@john_r_bicknell), you’ll see I follow tons of dog accounts. I highly recommend purging your feed of booty models and replacing them with dogs. Best move I ever made.

But over the last 4-5 years, I’ve begun to wonder if not having a dog my entire life has had a negative affect on me. Would I be a better person if I had grown up with a dog in the house? Do I have some sort of empathy issue now because of it? Am I a psycho for going to dog parks alone?

Let me clear something up first. I never had a dog, but I wasn’t pet-less. My family had no pets until I was about 8 years old when we got a cat. That cat died two months later, so we got another cat who lived 18 long years. He just died in 2015, so essentially I had a cat for about 2/3 of my life. I’d best describe him as a Garfield. Super fat (legitimately 25 lbs), only got up to eat, and hissed at anyone who wasn’t part of my immediate family. I loved him to death, but he was about as far from a dog personality as you could get.

When I moved to LA four years ago, I started to notice dogs more. It’s warm out year round, so people are out and about walking their dogs all the time. I started learning the different breeds and became fascinated with them. Then I started working at my current job (which is dog friendly btw), where seemingly everyone owns and/or owned a dog. We even have a Slack channel called “#Dogsquad,” which is specifically dedicated to dog-related content. I discovered a dog beach (shoutout to Rosie’s in Long Beach) and various dog parks throughout the city, so I started to frequent them on the weekends in between running errands. Some nights I watch a few youtube compilations of cute/funny dogs before bed. Other times I’ll walk down the street to Bark N Bitches, the adoption center, just to hang out and pet the dogs. I don’t care that the room smells rancid with piss, it’s a little slice of heaven.

All this begs the question, why don’t I just get a dog? Well, to be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t have the energy to take care of it. I’m scared that I’ll get sick of having to walk it 3 times a day. Scared that I’ll have to limit my traveling schedule for it. That I’ll look at my monthly dog expenses and regret ever getting one. I’m scared that maybe I just really really really enjoy being around other people’s dogs, and that’s the perfect situation for me. There’s a lot that goes into owning a dog, and I’ve never experienced it. That scares me.

But as every dog owner has told me, once you see that dog looking right into your eyes with a beautiful, dumbfounded, goofy stare of unconditional love, you can’t imagine your life without them.

Someday I’ll own a dog. Maybe not right now, but when the time is right. I want my kids to grow up in a dog household so they aren’t questioning themselves at age 28 like I am. I don’t blame my parents for much, but come on guys, having a dog around the house would have smoothed over so much shit. What’s there to yell about when there’s a dog around? These are the things I think about. The “what ifs?” I’ll never know how my life would have turned out with a dog, but I’ll make sure my kids don’t have to wonder the same thing.

So cheers to man’s best friend. I can’t wait to meet you in the future.

“Things get a little gassy in the execution chamber when the guys have a spicy last meal with John Coffey.”

This is the first installment in a series I like to call Friday Funnies (working title, I hate it). I’ll be taking scenes from movies/tv shows/history/anything and putting my own little spin on them. This one involves one of the saddest scenes in American cinemas history. Amazing what a few sound effects and music tweaks can do.

Enjoy!

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beebs-oasis

YES! I didn’t think it was possible. I thought it was just a pipe dream. But here we are, in 2017, and the biggest star in music is finally coming to his senses and joining the greatest band of the 90’s, Oasis.

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A truly exciting time we live in where young pop artists value and appreciate the history of their predecessors.