My Proposal For Trump’s Next Executive Order: Banning Automated Tip Prompters

Posted: January 31, 2017 in Uncategorized


Yesterday afternoon I was out and about doing some errands when I started feeling a little low on energy. Maybe chalk it up to low T, or the fact that I got hammered the night before and only slept 4 hours (wink wink gif). But either way, I needed to stop and get a coffee. So I went into the closest Coffee Bean and ordered myself a regular iced coffee, black. I slide my card to pay, and am presented with the following screen:


5% |  10%  |  15%  |  20%  | NONE

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this situation. As these new iPad payment systems become more prevalent, the tip prompter  has reared its ugly face to me before. But most of the time I’ve been lucky enough that the cashier will turn away to do something else when it’s time to tip. Whether that’s a natural coincidence or a recognition of my complete discomfort, so far I’ve been fortunate.

But yesterday was a different story. I of course clicked the “NONE” option, because I’m not going to tip someone for filling a cup with ice and pulling a lever. I have principles goddamnit. The coffee itself is drastically overpriced as is ($4 for a regular), so yeah, I’m gonna penny pinch. Get off my back.

When I turned the iPad back toward the cashier, she looked me directly in the face, rolled her eyes, and sarcastically said, “Thanks.”


Um, what the hell lady? Trying to fight fire with fire? I mean, not tipping was a little rude. I get that. But I’m the customer, and this is a clear breach of confidentiality in the Server/Tipper contract. At least wait until I leave to rip on me. Don’t rekt me in front a live studio audience. Now I have to turn around and face the people behind me knowing damn well they just saw me get roasted by a cashier for not tipping. To make matters worse, I have to stand there like a dick in a yard waiting for my coffee with a bunch of people who clearly over-tipped because they saw what happens when you’re on the wrong side of this savage cashier. Then, when they finally called out my name, she gave me my coffee with no top, forcing me to ask for one. A subtle, but effective way of twisting the proverbial knife into my heart and ending a complete and total rekting of my whole life, all in a matter of three minutes!

This is a serious, first-world issue that I feel needs to be addressed. It’s a slippery slope we’re going down when you’re being prompted to tip for EVERY credit/debit purchase. I mean what’s next? Do I have to tip at CVS? Am I supposed to give 15% to the guy who unlocks the dressing room door at Nordstrom? Where does it end? This isn’t like a bar where there’s a set precedent of rules, and you disregard the fact that pouring a beer takes minimal effort and throw them a tip anyways. These are common, everyday situations that previously only called for loose change tipping, or tossing a dollar into the jar if you got service that really knocked your socks off. People like to complain that millennials expect handouts. Well, look no further than the automated tip prompter as an explanation for this behavior.

Tips are to be earned, not given. Nobody should have to deal with the persecution I felt Sunday afternoon at Coffee Bean. This is a call to action for everyone who feels cornered by the tip prompter. Stand with me and fight for the right to tip at your own discretion based on performance only. DJT – If you want to Make America Great Again, this seems like the perfect place for your next Executive Order.

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