The Three Worst Places To Shit In Public

Posted: January 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

There are few things in life that bind human beings together quite like having to take a really big dump. To go a step further, all human beings can sympathize with having to take that dump in an extremely uncomfortable place or situation. There’s no way around it. We’ve all been there. You’re out and about, enjoying yourself, and then boom. All of the sudden you feel the bubbling in your stomach. You think to yourself, “Mind over matter,” and push the feeling away for a few minutes. But this is no ordinary poo. No, this poo has legs, and more importantly heart. It’s like Rocky against Ivan Drago. Absolutely relentless. No matter how many times you hit it with a jab or a big right hook, it comes back for more. Your body temperature increases, and anything that anyone is saying around you becomes background noise. You become so laser focused on trying to control this volcanic eruption brewing in your colon that you can’t talk. Maybe you muster a chuckle or two just to let everyone know you’re still there. But every minute that passes you grow increasingly worried that there’s no way to tame this beast. Then finally, there’s no more messing around. It’s go time.

This is the moment everyone dreads. The moment when you’re out in public and you accept the realization that you have to find the closest bathroom and take a giant shit. You know, this feeling…

hank-dump

Which brings me to the question: What are the worst places to have to take a shit in public?

This is a loaded question, because there are no good places to shit in public. Anything outside of your home is a bad look. So there are a plenty of options. But I think I’ve come up with a few that we can all agree are definitely the least desirable of all public shit stations.

 3. Bar

bathroom

Yes, this is probably the most obvious answer. But it’s obvious because it’s so true. Having to shit in a bar fucking sucks. Now I’m not talking about a fancy bar or a lounge. Sometimes those types of places have great bathrooms that get cleaned hourly throughout the night. No, I’m talking about your standard local bar where you can get $7 pitchers of Bud Lite and there’s always one random guy over the age of 60 in the bar at all times. These are the type of places that always have wet, dirty bathroom floors. You feel bad for your shoes when you’re in there. There’s only one stall, and maybe three urinals if you’re lucky. There’s generally piss covered tee-pee all over the toilet seat, and usually another person’s unflushed poo sitting in the toilet.

Brutal. Everyone in line sees you go into the stall, and you feel like you can’t fully let loose until you maybe get lucky and the bathroom clears for a brief moment. Hopefully you’re not with any girls, because everyone in your group knows exactly when you left to go to the bathroom. “The line was long,” only covers you for about 10 minutes max. And hey, you’d better hope it’s a quick wipe. Because if you end up clogging that thing with loads of toilet paper, the whole damn bar is going to know you as Toilet Cloggins. Sad indeed.

The only silver lining to dumping at a bar is that you can always smooth things over by buying everyone a round of shots. The more drunk people get, the less likely they are to remember. If everyone at the bar blacks out, you’re gold.

2. Sporting Event/Concert

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This is a more rare occasion that maybe (hopefully) not all of us have experienced. It’s not every weekend that you attend a concert or sporting event, so the odds drop drastically compared to a bar. But even though the odds are lower, the stakes are higher.

The worst part about big events like these are the lines. There’s no avoiding them. You want food and beer? Line. You want to buy a foam finger? Line. There’s a line for everything, and there’s no worse line than the one for the bathroom. Put yourself in the position I described earlier where you are finally at the point where you realize you have an unsuppressible shit. Fine, ok. Time to shit. But like a kick to the gut, you turn the corner and see a line for the bathroom that seemingly has no end in sight. A terrible, terrible feeling. So, you get to the back of the line and do everything in your power to hold it in for as long as you have to. The slightest bump from someone walking by makes you wince in pain. Every second feels like a minute. It’s a race against time and if you don’t win, there’s a public humiliation in store.

So you finally get into the bathroom and find an open stall. Guess what? Worst part is over. Arena bathrooms are huge and full of drunk dudes talking loud. Feel free to let ‘er rip because guess what? Nobody is going to care. It’s a far less intimate situation than the bar bathroom, and I’d say generally they’re a little cleaner. Sporting events and concerts get the nod over a bar simply because of the line. It’s a shitter’s worst nightmare. Having to go so bad but being forced to wait 10-15 minutes. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but every time you think you can touch it, you’re about 20 fat drunk guys away.*

*This paragraph doesn’t apply if you’re at an outdoor concert and they only have port-o-potties. Sorry, the worst is NOT over once you get inside that hot, green, plastic box with no pluming. Being forced to poop on top of 10 other people’s poop is quite possibly the cruelest joke the world has played on us. It’s the 21st century, not the Middle fucking Ages. I’d rather just dig a hole than shit in a port-o-potty.

1. Airplane

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The grandaddy of them all. In my opinion, the worst possible place to blast ass. I mean, I hate flying in the first place. As a 6’3, long-legged guy with joint and muscle pain (28 never felt so good!), sitting in a seat for 5 hours isn’t exactly ideal. Hot Take: Air travel is THE WORST. Nothing ever goes as planned, I can’t sleep on the plane, and I always end up sitting next to some fuck who coughs every ten seconds and is constantly making the slightest bit of contact with my arm. Everyone is miserable on a plane. That’s just a fact.

So what could possibly make air travel worse? Feeling a shit brewing in your stomach just 20 minutes after takeoff will do the trick. It’s the ultimate, “Oh no,” moment. Gives me chills just thinking about it. At least in the other situations on this list there is a possibility you could wait it out or find some alternative place to do the deed. Not on a plane. You’re bound to your surroundings. You only have one option. One single, cramped, uncomfortable little bathroom that 200 other people are sharing.

Let’s say you’re thrown into this nightmare scenario of actually having to shit on an airplane. You wait outside the bathroom until the fat middle aged woman waddles through the doorway, and it’s finally your turn. You squeeze inside, close the door, turn that “Occupied” switch and sit down…

Now what? There’s no comfort to be had. You know exactly how many people were in line behind you, and the number is only increasing every second longer you’re in there. You probably made eye contact with a few of them, too. Any longer than one minute and the jig is up. Everyone knows. How are you supposed to have a nice poo session when there’s an audience of people waiting for you to show your shameful face? It’s uncivilized I tell ya. Not to mention that the flight attendants are all going to know you as The Shitter for the rest of the flight. Quite the awkward, “Buh-Bye,” when it’s all over. Air travel sucks, airplanes suck, and taking a shit on an airplane for sure fucking SUCKS.

Honorable Mention:

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Shitting at a new girlfriends house. There’s no right way to broach the subject. You just have to hope she’s cool with it. But then again, you don’t want her to be too cool with it because that means she shits a lot. Tough line to walk there, so I’d find alternatives until the 6 week point.

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