Cosmopolitan Study Finds That Men Never Fantasize About Other Women And Are Completely Faithful To Their Girlfriend/Wife…Just Kidding. It Found The Exact Opposite.

Posted: August 9, 2013 in Random Thought

(DM) You may like to think that your partner imagines getting intimate with you and only you, but it would appear there are other things on his mind when it comes to sex. And they include threesomes, having sex with your friends, sleeping with their colleagues and being more adventurous in bed, according to a new survey by Cosmopolitan magazine. Some 50 per cent of engaged men secretly wish they could have sex with a female friend, while 18 per cent of married men would like to sleep with a colleague. Just under a third (32 per cent) of men in a relationship want to sleep with their a friend’ girlfriend, and 32 per cent of single men want to have sex with an ex. While most men surveyed have slept with just one to three women, an energetic three per cent claim their ‘number’ is over 100 – but only half have had a one night stand. When asked if they could change one thing about their sexual past, 36 per cent wish they’d slept with more women and 32 per cent wish they’d been more adventurous. And when quizzed about infidelity, 42 per cent said they had cheated – and of those, 82 per cent said they felt guilty afterwards, and cited boredom as their reason for being unfaithful. British men seem to like variety, too: 37 per cent boast having filmed themselves having sex, 72 per cent have had text sex, 28 per cent have tried S&M, and 23 per cent would be keen to try bondage. But a threesome is still the number one fantasy – over half the 732 men polled would be interested in introducing a third party to the bedroom. The survey also unearthed further secrets about men’s sexual habits. Some 37 per cent of men who watch porn – 11 per cent of whom watch it every single day – feel the need to hide it from their partner. Some 26 per cent of men in a relationship have enjoyed a private dance in a strip club, and 15 per cent have hooked up sexually with someone they’ve met on Facebook. When it comes to their ideal woman, men say confidence is key, with 76 per cent saying they want a partner who knows what she’s doing. Nearly half of all men questioned (44 per cent) think kissing is the most intimate thing a couple can do. Those in the West Midlands are the most promiscuous, and 76 per cent in the East of England have texted a naked photo. In terms of the ex-factor, 46 per cent of London-based men have fantastised about a former partner while having sex with their current squeeze, and 63 per cent of men in Scotland would like to have ‘ex-sex’. Louise Court, Editor of Cosmopolitan, said: ‘British men are pretty hypocritical when it comes to sex. ‘As a lot of the men we surveyed said they’d be put off if a girl had slept with between six and 20 men – while they wanted to sleep with loads of women. It takes two to tango.

Sometimes I feel like going into the office of magazines like Cosmopolitan, getting on a megaphone and just screaming out, “Is everyone here serious? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” Because make no mistake about it, they constantly churn out pointless studies about men and our sexual habits. Listen, I’ll make it real easy for you Cosmopolitan. Anytime you’re thinking about doing a study on men’s perspective, give me a buzz. I’ll answer your questions for free. And guess what? You won’t even have to survey anyone else because ALL MEN THINK THE SAME WAY. Here’s how the phone interview would go…

Cosmo: While in a relationship, have you ever wanted to have sex with a female friend?

Me: I’ve wanted to have sex with about 90% of my female friends since age 13. The second they started sprouting little mosquito bite boobies and wearing thongs, I wanted to penetrate them. And while I had a girlfriend, it only made me want to be inside them more.

Cosmo: Have you ever wanted to sleep with a colleague?

Me: I think the better question is how many colleagues have I slept with. The answer is four. Banging a co-worker is risky business, but it’s also some of the best sex you can have. You spend all shift flirting and building tension until your shift is over and you fuck like jack rabbits in the back seat of her car.

Cosmo: Have you ever wanted to sleep with a friend of your girlfriend?

Me: Another case where the better question would be have you ever had sex with a friend of your girlfriend. The answer is no, but the amount of times I’ve tried is around 10. Chicks are sluts and they’ll take sex over a friendship any day. I know that, so I try to exploit it. Although unsuccessful, you can’t knock my hustle.

Cosmo: Do you wish you could have sex with an ex?

Me: Fuck yeah. You can’t put a price on a perfect pussy, and an ex of mine had the kind that I just wanted to shove my face in for hours on end. To say I want to have sex with her again is an understatement. The fact is, if I don’t have sex with her again I’ll go into marriage a sad, sad man.

Cosmo: When thinking about your sexual past, do you wish you slept with more women?

Me: No matter how many women I, or any man has slept with, we’ll always want to sleep with more. Our primal instinct is to spread our seed. Just because it’s frowned upon nowadays doesn’t mean we don’t still think that way. When it’s boys night and everyone’s trading stories, we all want to be the guy who’s banged the most chicks. It’s like an invisible trophy gets handed out to the guy who’s crushed the most ass.

Cosmo: Have you ever cheated?

Me: Yes.

Cosmo: Why’d you do it?

Me: I was far away and she was never going to find out? Also because a girl basically threw a blowjob at me. And you know what? I don’t regret it one bit. That girl gave me the most incredible head and it still makes me go bonkers just thinking about it. I did feel bad when I’d go back home and bang my girlfriend, but sometimes in life you have to take risks.

Cosmo: What’s your ultimate fantasy?

Me: The easy answer here would be threesome. But I’m gonna get creative. I just want to have a boat full of hot naked girls who are constantly hooking up and munching box, and I can pull whoever I want aside, whenever I want, and do anything sexual that I wish. That’s called thinking outside of the box.

Cosmo: Would you be put off if a potential girlfriend had sex with the same number of partners you have?

Me: If you’re hot enough, no. But if you’re somewhere in the middle, I’ll just wear a condom.

 

Boom. I just saved Cosmo a lot of time and money by answering how I feel, which is exactly how every guy feels.

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