Archive for July, 2013

A Florida police sergeant resigned after posting nearly 300 graphic photos of herself online, including lewd images taken in uniform. Sgt. Penny Dane of the Daytona Beach Police Department “admitted she accessed and sent sexually explicit pictures as part of an online game called Red Light Center,” according to WKMG. She admitted to sending the images to her lover using police computers and while on duty. “[The photos were] extremely pornographic in nature, and in several of the photos that we have since discovered, she was in her uniform,” Daytona Beach Police Chief Mike Chitwood told WKMG. When asked how she could fulfill her work responsibility of supervising other officers while playing “Red Light Center,” Dane reportedly told investigators, “I don’t want to say I didn’t have any idea what they were doing because then that would be obviously very wrong. I did pay attention to my radio and listen to what they were doing.” Dane was suspended for “similar activity” back in 2012, WESH reports. The most recent revelations came after Dane accused a colleague of sexual harassment. While looking into her claim, investigators uncovered Dane’s racy photos, according to WKMG. Red Light Center bills itself as a porn-themed online virtual world, similar to Second Life.

First things first, Penny Dane could get it. Anyone who knows me well enough knows MILFs and me go together like peanut butter and jelly. It’s really an inexplicable phenomena. Older woman love the Bick Dog and I love ’em back. They’re just so up front and nasty and dirty and it really gets me going.

Anyways, what the hell is this Red Light Center game and why hasn’t anyone informed me of it? I mean, I look at a fair amount of porn. I definitely would have noticed an ad for this type of thing if it was on my sidebar of XVideos. It seems pretty legit. While some people play Warcraft and jerk off, others play Red Light Center and jerk off, but to real women who want to live the #pornlife but can’t because they aren’t hot enough. Penny Dane is a perfect porn name too. It doesn’t even make sense why it’s a good porn name, but it just sounds like a porn star.

And finally, Penny Dane is an idiot. You want to tattle on a bro for some sexual harassment in the workplace bullshit? You should probably think about clearing your history and the 300 NAKED PICTURES you have on your work computer. Fucking chicks man. Can’t even get a simple sexual harassment lawsuit right without getting fired.

The quickest way to piss off a cop may be pissing on one. Police in Gainesville, Fla., say a man arrested for driving without a license wound up peeing on both an X-ray machine and a cop at the local jail, The Gainesville Sun reported. Raymond Lawhorn, 34, was pulled over at around 10:30 p.m. Sunday after cops say he plowed into a police cruiser. Lawhorn allegedly told officers he had no driver’s license. Officers brought him to the Alachua County Jail, where he “pulled his penis out of his pants and began urinating on the floor, an X-ray machine and a detention officer,” according to a report obtained by The Independent Florida Alligator. Lawhorn was charged with battering detention facility staff, resisting an officer without violence and driving on a permanently-revoked license.

This guy’s stupid yadda, yadda, yadda. Whatever. This story just brought up a question in my head. I mean, clearly Raymond Lawhorn was hammered and couldn’t hold it in anymore so he said fuck the po-lice I’ma piss on y’all. So what’s worse: having to hold in a huge piss when you’re drunk or having to hold in a shit? Right off the bat it seems like an easy answer. It’s obviously worse having to hold in a shit. But honestly, think about it. When you’re holding in a shit, it usually ends up coming and going in waves. You’ll feel horrible for 5 minutes but once you push through that agony where you think your ass is gonna explode, you’re usually OK for the next 5-10 minutes before it comes back again. On the flip side, holding in a drunk piss doesn’t stop until you drain the lizard. It’s a constant feeling of uncomfortableness and you feel like your bladder will explode. Call me feminine but I think I’d rather hold in the shit. Then again, you can hop out and piss anywhere. Literally anywhere. But you can’t shit anywhere. I’m torn but I still think holding in a drunk piss is worse.

What does everyone think? Piss or shit?

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Porn star James Deen begins his assault on the mainstream with the release of “The Canyons” on Aug. 2, but don’t expect to see Deen in the next big blockbuster from director Michael Bay. Deen, who plays the male lead in Paul Schrader’s new film opposite Lindsay Lohan, slammed Bay as common trash in a new interview. “You make that mass-produced, Hollywood blockbuster crap, you end up with Michael Bay’s ‘Transformers 11,'” Deen told the New York Post. “He’s garbage, but his movies make lots of money. […] [I was interested in] making a good movie and not bowing to the capitalist theory of Hollywood.” To that end, Deen told the Post that he isn’t interested in leaving the XXX world behind. “People talk to me like this is my big crossover to the mainstream. Absolutely not,” Deen told the Post. “I have no desire to leave porn.” Indeed, those comments were echoed by Schrader. The director said that despite all the press surrounding “The Canyons,” Deen still has his heart in the adult world. “I was just talking to him the other day. He’s still hard at work; he was complaining about going to Venice, because he was going to lose money, going to lose $10,000 of work time,” Schrader told BuzzFeed. “I said, ‘James, at some point you’ve got to get out.'”

Definitely a random off-topic thing…but ever since this dude blasted teen mom Farrah’s asshole wide open for the world to see, I kind of dig his style. I’m big into people giving the ole “fuck you” to mainstream media, if it’s done correctly. It’s gotta be genuine, like when Miley Cyrus was asked about whether her song was referencing molli, she just dropped the bomb on em. It’s gotta be spur of the moment like that so I know you’re not just doing it to get attention or be different. That’s what James Deen has been doing lately. Slut Mom Farrah starts telling lies about them two dating and the sex tape being real, he diffuses that real quick and comes clean. He thinks all these huge budget superhero movies suck so he’s gonna let you know. I’m on that bandwagon. I don’t really dig all the superhero shit going on right now. Dark Knight was sweet but there’s a hundred other movies I’d rather watch than that. It’s not my thing, so I agree with Deen here. I also get why he doesn’t want to leave porn. I mean, he gets $10k a scene to have sex with hot sluts. Sweet fucking deal. Like, when people pay you to watch you have sex, you know you’ve made it. I’ve had a cab bought for me to leave a girls house after making out, so essentially that’s paying for me to not have sex with her. We live different lives James Deen, but our brain waves are flowing on the same frequency. Wanna be bros?

It feels good knowing that the best, most exciting young player in baseball is on the Dodgers. The Angels can suck it. LA is Dodger town, and the Dodgers are starting to look more and more like a lock to run away with the NL West. Keep it up boys, because daddy needs a parade real bad.

PS – That bat flip + sliding into home plate = BOSS.

It’s hard enough being a parent these days without having your kids taken by a tow truck driver. And it’s even worse when you’re slapped with child abandonment charges as a result. That’s the parental predicament being faced by Victor Ruiz, who cops say parked his car in a no-parking zone outside his Houston apartment Thursday and left his two young daughters in the car while he took his groceries inside. While he was inside, a tow truck driver noticed the illegally parked automobile, and towed it away — without noticing Ruiz’s two daughters were still sitting in the backseat, KRTH.com reported. According to court documents, the tow truck driver, whose name has not been released, made the discovery after driving two miles. However, Ruiz’ neighbor, Sade Jones, said she and other neighbors tried to let the driver know when he was hooking up the car. “When he pulled into the apartments, he hurried up and hooked his thing on the car,” Jones told Click2Houston.com “I’m, like, ‘Wait! Them kids in the car.’ He snapped the picture and hurry up and sped off with these peoples’ cars.” Ruiz was charged with two counts of abandoning a child because the kids were allegedly left without supervision. He is currently in jail on $4,000 bond.

I’m so fucking confused. If your going to arrest anyone, wouldn’t you arrest the tow truck driver for kidnapping? I mean, what did Victor Ruiz really do wrong here? He went inside real quick to bring in groceries. Told his kids, “Stay in the car. I’ll be right back.” Probably felt the grumbling in his stomach and realized he needed to shit. Then instead of a quick one it ends up being real messy. Turns out to be one of those shits where you end up wiping for 10 minutes and somehow there’s STILL shit on every wipe. Then, he comes out, his car is towed and his kids are gone. Am I missing anything here? I think the court needs to be a bit more understanding of Victor Ruiz’s situation. Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and what do you do with a curveball? You mash it to right field and shit your brains out while telling your kids, “Sorry but daddy’s got a severe cash of mudd butt.”

Impressive. I’m actually terrible at chugging beer. It’s really my one weakness. So anytime someone showcases their skills I’m always impressed. Kid needs to step it up though and try taking down Das Boot.

How about his friend in the background? You pumped up much, bro? I’m actually jealous because I haven’t been that excited about anything since I lost my virginity.

UNION CITY, Ga. — Authorities say a customer at a Waffle House outside Atlanta shot and wounded a suspect who was trying to rob the restaurant. Police say the shooting happened early Monday, when a gunman tried to hold up a Waffle House in south Fulton County. Union City police Det. Gloria Hodgson says the suspect entered the Waffle House just before 2 a.m., armed with a pistol and demanding money. Hodgson tells The Atlanta Journal-Constitution () that a customer inside the 24-hour diner shot the suspect. The suspect, whose name hasn’t been released, was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital for treatment. His condition wasn’t immediately available.

There’s certain things in this world that are understood “no-no’s.” You don’t play with fire. You don’t take rides from strangers. And you most certainly don’t try to rob a Waffle House in Atlanta without getting shot by a customer. It’s robbery 101, really. Somebody in that Waffle House is gonna be strapped and they’ve been desperately waiting to scratch that itchy trigger finger.

I’m really surprised there’s no video of the incident with people putting their phones in the guy’s face while he bleeds on the ground screaming “WORLDSTAR!”

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A man who was robbed at home of more than $35,000 in gambling winnings sued the Ohio casino where he won the money, arguing a cashier should have issued him a check instead of cash. Police said 29-year-old David Hayes was robbed at gunpoint of the stack of $100 bills when two armed men woke him at home hours after he left the Hollywood Casino Columbus with his winnings Oct. 21. Hayes filed suit against the casino’s operator, contending that he asked for a check when he cashed out his blackjack winnings but was given cash instead.And he claims the clerk wrote down his identification information, including his address, on a piece of paper, and held it up for him to confirm, making it “visible to anyone in the vicinity,” The Columbus Dispatch ( ) reported Thursday. The casino, in a filing this month, said Hayes’ losses were due to his own negligence and “unforeseeable misconduct by third parties over whom (the casino) had no control.” Hayes said the cashier gave him 358 $100 bills in a manila folder that she stapled shut, telling him that he should take future winnings in the form of a check. He claims that when he said he wanted a check, she told him it was too late. A casino security guard then escorted him to his car. Hayes was robbed hours later by two armed men who entered his house through an unlocked back door. In the lawsuit, Hayes claims the men asked for “the money you won tonight.” Two men were arrested and charged after one of them began bragging about the robbery, said Joseph Landusky, one of Hayes’ attorneys. They were scheduled for trial next week. A third man was being sought.

First, that tagline “David Hayes – Robbed,” has to be one of the worst you can get. Definitely worse than this…

Anyways, this is why you don’t gamble at little baby dick casinos like the Hollywood Casino in Columbus, Ohio. You go Vegas, Foxwoods, or Mohegan and that’s it. They’ll issue you a check any hour of the night. But seriously, what’s the deal with this cashier operator? Telling the dude he should take his future winnings in a check while handing him a bag of cash. Then he asks for a check and she denies him? That’s like holding the door open for a hot girl and she turns around and says, “I should suck your dick for being so nice, but I’m not a slut.” Fuck outta my face with that shit. The man requested a check, you give him a check. You don’t send a man with $35k in a cash envelope out on the streets of Columbus (ghetto). He will get robbed. It’s science.

So I really hope this guy wins the lawsuit. I mean, how often do you get the chance to win that much money at a casino? You’ve gotta be a high roller or a degenerate who never quits to reach the $35k mark. And if I was him, I’d make them give me the money from the settlement in one of those big ass super sweepstakes checks like in Happy Gilmore.

So I just went to the barbershop and got a haircut on my lunch break. Of course, the same thing happens to me that happens every single time I get a haircut. I paid, left, and then started hating my haircut. I looked into my reflection on every window and car that I passed as I was walking and each time I felt more and more regret. There’s been maybe one time I left a barbershop and felt good about my haircut. You’re supposed to feel brand new after them, but instead I want to curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb until the hair grows back to normal. It really is a sad, sad situation. I used to just give myself a 5 all around and call it a day. Then I grew up and realized only juveniles and minorities buzz their hair like that. Any self-respecting white man who isn’t balding leaves a little on the top. So, I had to start getting real haircuts again. Basically ever since then it’s been a crap shoot. Can’t seem to get that one perfect cut. Usually once I go home and shower then I look at my hair and start to realize that it’s not as bad as I thought. Then within a week I actually like it. But it’s a vicious cycle and I honestly don’t know how much more of the post-haircut stress I can take. I’m literally losing hair over it. Is this just me or is it common among most (white) men?

I feel you, Topanga.

Germany Pool Car

BERLIN — A car caught cruising the streets of a sleepy east German village on a sweltering summer’s day sported a decidedly unorthodox feature: a pool filled to the brim with water. German police say a motorcycle cop couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw four men, including the driver, splashing about in the open-top BMW as they passed him Sunday afternoon near Blauenthal, about 155 miles (250 kilometers) south of Berlin. Chemnitz police spokesman Frank Fischer says the men pulled over and jumped into a nearby river as soon as they saw the officer, but one later returned to claim his clothes. Fischer said Thursday that police were still investigating which of the men drove and whether he was drunk. He said the vehicle itself “probably didn’t have a road permit.”

Genius, Lloyd. Sheer genius. If I don’t have a CarPool to cruise down the PCH by Memorial Day 2014 then I ain’t livin right. This thing SCREAMS pussy magnet. It also screams serious injury or even death when the breaks are slammed, but that’s why you sign a waiver to get into my CarPool. I live a Carlos Danger-ous life and if I die banging sluts in my CarPool, so be it. At least I’ll go out in the baddest motherfucking way possible. You can’t stop a CarPool. You can only hope to tame it.