Dude Breaks Into House, Steals Human Ashes Thinking They’re Coke

Posted: July 22, 2013 in Random Thought


If cocaine is a hell of a drug, human ashes are one hell of a mistake. William “Billy” Cantrell, 28, was arrested this week for allegedly stealing a box of human ashes from a neighbor in Tennessee. Family members believe Cantrell thought the ashes were cocaine. “William thought it was drugs, he thought he’d done found him a box of cocaine is what he thought,” Cantrell’s grandmother, Wanda Allen, told News Channel 5. Cantrell was held on an aggravated burglary charge. According to a police affidavit, Cantrell took an Xbox from his neighbor, Steven Medley, along with a small box, and fled to his grandmother’s home in Nashville. The grandmother believes he wasn’t sober during the incident. The ashes were that of Medley’s mother. “They just made it sounds like he’s a bad, terrible person broke in this house and stole this woman’s ashes. I’m not saying he’s not guilty but he didn’t know what he was stealing,” his mother Kathy told News Channel 5. The good news is Cantrell’s grandmother believes he did not appear to have snorted the ashes.”On the top of it, it had a white piece of paper taped over it with date of birth, date of death, name and the funeral home,” she said.

Ah, the classic human ashes/cocaine mix up. The level of disappointment Billy Cantrell must have felt when he got home and realized he didn’t have a box of coke must have been unreal. He was probably SO fucking hyped to blast off and blow the night away only to get home and realize he had a burnt up old lady in a box. It’d be like finding a full keg of piss warm beer.

And his grandma’s explanation of the whole thing…”He thought he’d done found him a box of cocaine is what he thought.” She couldn’t sound more redneck if she tried. You gotta love southerners sometimes. Just fully engulfed in their own slow, SEC-lovin’ way of life. ‘Merica.

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