Archive for July, 2013

Here’s the thing…I love Jackass. Loved the show. Thought the movies were hilarious. But I don’t buy that this shit is “real.” There’s just no way you can film this stuff in super Hi Def without having large cameras around. It’s the same thing with the Sacha Baron Cohen movies. You can get away with it for a short time, but once your big and can be recognized, everyone knows your schtick. They get it. So you have to hire extras to pretend that they’re shocked. It’s whatever. It’ll probably be a funny movie, but I hate when Hollywood tries to act like we’re all idiots who buy that this shit is real. I mean, I’m guessing over 50% of the population are idiots, so it’s not a bad idea. But as a self-proclaimed intellect, I get upset.

But since we’re on the subject, I have to rank the “hidden camera” movies.

1. Borat

2. Jackass 2

3. Jackass 1

4. Jackass 2.5

5. Bruno

I haven’t seen The Dictator but I heard it was garbage. Da Ali G movie was less about interviewing and more of an actual story. The five I mentioned all made me laugh a lot. First time I saw Borat was one of the hardest I can remember laughing. All of the Jackass movies were good, and Bruno was funny too but it was so uncomfortably gay.

Representative Jim Moran of Virginia was among congressional delegates who last week toured Camp 7, the top-security facility that holds more than a dozen “high-value” prisoners, including five men charged with plotting the September 11 attacks on the United States in 2001. “Rather than the Koran, the book that is requested most by the (Camp 7 detainees) is ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ They’ve read the entire series,” Moran said in an account first published by the Huffington Post and confirmed to Reuters by Moran’s spokeswoman. “I guess there’s not much going on, these guys are going nowhere, so what the hell.” Moran, who favors shutting down the detention camp on the Guantanamo Bay U.S. Naval Base, said he learned about the book’s popularity while touring Camp 7 with the base commander and deputy base commander, the head medical official and the officer in charge of that camp. A military spokesman said he could not discuss details of Camp 7, whose inmates were held in secret CIA prisons before being sent to Guantanamo in 2006. “We don’t discuss our high-value detainees except in the most generic terms. Further, we do not discuss the assertions made by members of Congress,” said Lieutenant Colonel Samuel House, a spokesman for the prison camp. Overall Guantanamo holds 166 men rounded up in counter-terrorism operations. Some prisoners are on a hunger strike to protest their indefinite detention. Journalists are not allowed to visit that part of the detention camp but can tour the other prisons and the library that provides books, magazines and DVDs to all 166 captives. During a visit last week, Reuters saw an eclectic mix of books in numerous languages, from religious tomes to Star Trek novelizations, Agatha Christie mysteries, stress reduction workbooks and the Greek classic “The Odyssey.” Also on offer is “The Hunger Games,” according to a librarian who goes by the nickname Zorro. “We have the movie and the book too,” he said. Guantanamo librarians have said in the past that they screen reading material for sexual content, even blacking out photos of scantily clad women in the advertisements in sports magazines.

If you told me two years ago to write a book detailing all the fucked up bondage-themed sexual fantasies I could think of doing to a bunch of women, I would have said, “Why?” you know, just to be a dick. But then if you told me there was millions upon millions of dollars to be made from this book, and that middle aged women who are too scared to watch porn/terrorists being held in G-Bay would all be getting their rocks off to this book, I’d have gone to the deepest depths of internet porn and snuff videos to find the most extreme shit possible. And I’ll tell you what, I’d write it at an even worse writing level than the original. People said that shit was written at an 8th grade level. You’re not maximizing your audience that way. You need to write at a 3rd grade level so literally anyone literal can read it.

But really I’m starting to see more and more stories coming out that make me think US prison straight up just ain’t that bad. You got these terrorists watching Jennifer Lawrence’s titties bounce in Hunger Games, fucking marathon bomber #2 getting chicken and rice, Aaron Hernandez getting pineapple. You ever see what a Russian prison is like? Check out Black Dolphin Prison is Russia and see how they’re living over there. You don’t get any pineapple or movies there. You get straight hell.

(Just to be clear, the blurred out word is “cock sucking”)

“Enterprise: We’ll pick you up and suck your cock.”

I love stories like these. I can just picture Milton from Office Space getting pushed around for years and years while in his little dungeon cubicle writing print ads for Enterprise. Finally one day he snaps, but instead of burning down the office building he offers up a free blowie to anyone who rents a car. Like, it’s really not a big deal but it’s funny because he knows he did it. Kicks his feet up on his desk, puts his hands behind his head like “Oh yeah. That’s right. I did that.” It’s pretty much the sweetest day of his life until he gets fired in a few hours. But he’ll always have that one moment of glory when this bad boy hit the news stands. Good for you, Milton.

One tenth of couples in the UK have stated that they’ve not had sober sex in over six months, according to a new survey. The poll, conducted by online pharmacy UKMedix.com, asked 1,811 adult ‘alcohol drinkers’, all in relationships, about their bedroom habits. They were asked, ‘When did you last make love to your partner without being under the influence of alcohol?’, with 11% answering more than half a year ago. When queried why this was the case, 66% said they’re never in the mood while sober. Just 52% said they last had sex with their partners without the influence of alcohol within the past month. 61% of overall respondents stated that alcohol made them more confident, while 40% believed being drunk made them poorer in bed. UKMedix.com’s Sarah Bailey said: “We Britons love our booze – in responsible measures, of course – but it seems that we may be letting the alcohol come between us and our partner in the bedroom. “It was shocking to see that as many as one in ten couples haven’t made love sober in over six months. Whilst there’s not necessarily anything wrong with this, our results show that many think booze affects the quality of our lovemaking in a negative way, and so it’s clearly impacting enjoyment between the sheets. “Too much booze can cause a wealth of serious health problems, many of which can directly impact our sex lives. “So cutting back and making good time for each other without the booze is vital – both for healthy relationships, and a healthy body!”

This hits near and dear to me. I’ve been single for a little over 3 years now. That’s a long fucking time. Now, about 85% of the times I’ve had sex since being single I’ve been hammered off my ass. This allows for two things to happen. 1) I can last forever and lay pipe like a goddamn sexual king. It’s really the best way to go when you first bang a girl. You can give her the time of her life. But that also brings about the other point. 2) I sometimes have whiskey dick and can’t bust a nut, which sometimes can be awkward. However, the girl usually doesn’t care because she’s drunk as well and as long as I’m taking her to pound town it’s all good in her mind.

With all of that being said, there’s still the 15% of the time where I’m having sober sex. During this time, I’ve had several (and by several I mean 8 times out of 10) instances where I just straight up can’t hold it. Can’t even come close to duplicating the pound town action I lay when I’m drunk. And this is a big problem because all of these times have been the third or fourth time banging the girl, but the first time sober. So she’s expecting China white and all I can give her is street level crack. This makes for some really awkward moments when it’s over because everything in sex is more awkward when you’re sober. I’ve been working on this but seriously think I have no shot until my next girlfriend where I can have steady sober sex again.

But in regards to the study, I think you just have a super low sex drive if you’re not hittin’ the bone zone at least twice a week with your girlfriend/boyfriend. Like, that’s literally the number 1 advantage of being in a relationship vs. being single. You get to fuck whenever you want. Get in all your practice while you can, men. Because take it from me, when you’re single and banging girls who aren’t your girlfriend sober…shit’s more stressful than fun.

I recently started listening to Action Bronson and I dig his stuff for the most part. He embraces being fat and white and I’m hearing he’s in talks with networks to star in a cooking show (a lot of his songs have to do with cooking). So I thought this was pretty cool. Making old people try to listen to new music usually makes for a funny scene. And I know I know, I thought the same thing as you. I thought the black ladies would be more into it. I guess black people over the age of 60 still segregate whites from hip hop. Where’s Eminem to give an “I have a dream,” speech when you need him.

Now normally, if the guy did this once then I’d give him a pass. But in the video description it says that he does it everyday, so fuck him. What kind of asshole parks over the lines? Seriously, it’s so fucking easy to park. If your a heterosexual male and can’t get it right, then you need to turn in your man pass. And that’s saying something coming from a guy who is really limited in the amount of typical man things he can do. Like, I don’t know shit about fixing cars and my survival skills are pretty limited, but I sure as hell can park a car the right way. Also, watching this guy struggle to get from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat was beyond depressing. How are you that unathletic? Get a life.

A University of California San Diego student abandoned in a DEA holding cell for four days, without food or water, settled a lawsuit against the Justice Department on Tuesday for $4.1 million. Daniel Chong, now 25, was detained the morning of April 21, 2012 after DEA agents raided a house he was visiting, seizing some 18,000 pills of ecstasy, along with other drugs, several guns, and thousands of rounds of ammunition. DEA agents realized Chong was not involved and told him he wouldn’t be charged. Chong, still in handcuffs, was then placed in a 5-by-10-foot, windowless holding cell. No one would return to the cell for four days, until the afternoon of April 25. “It sounded like it was an accident – a really, really bad, horrible accident,” Chong said. Without food or water, Chong resorted to drinking his own urine to survive. By the third day, he said he was hallucinating. Eventually, Chong thought he would die and used a piece of broken glass to carve “Sorry mom” onto his arm, but was only able to complete the “s.” When DEA agents finally returned to the cell, they found Chong covered in feces and dehydrated. He had lost 15 pounds and was hospitalized for five days for dehydration, kidney failure, cramps and a perforated esophagus “This was a mistake of unbelievable and unimaginable proportions,” Chong’s attorney Julia Yoo said, adding that Chong has returned to school. “He changed his major from engineering to economics and wants to finish school, pursue his career and help take care of his mother.” According to Yoo, the DEA has now instituted a nationwide police that places daily calls to agents at satellite offices to check on the well-being of prisoners in each cell.

Three things here.

1. I refuse to believe this kid wasn’t at least there to buy some of the 18,000 pills of ecstasy. In my experience, Asians love that shit. Love buying it, love doing it, and definitely love selling it. Best shit I ever had was from an Asian. So if I can tell you one thing and one thing only, it’s if you happen to be offered E or buy E from an Asian, be prepared for the time of your life. You will have the greatest 4-6 hours followed by a horrible 1-2 hours. Deal with it. It’s worth it.

2. Is this dude’s lawyer the former Men’s Wearhouse spokesmen? Pretty solid backup career, bro.

Daniel-Chong-and-his-lawyer-screenshotthere-is-no-longer-a-guarantee-that-you-are-going-to-like-the-way-you-look

3. A fantastic hypothetical. Would you try to endure 4 days of no food or water if you knew in the end there was $4 million there for you? It’s the ultimate question of d-d-d-do you have it? GUTS! Because you could for sure die. I mean, I think this kid was on his 9th life by the time they found him. But that was day 5. If you just had to make it through 4 full days, 96 hours with no food or water, would you try it? It’s pretty damn tempting, but I’m gonna say hells fucking no. I like water way too much. It’s really not the food part that would bother me. I just can’t go more than an hour without chugging water. It’s my favorite drink. Ole reliable. So no, this challenge ain’t for me. But I’m sure there are a bunch of Bear Grylls wannabe’s out there who think they could handle it. Let’s see what you’ve got, chumps. $4 million internet dollars are waiting for you at the finish line.

FYI that translates to $1600 in real dollars.

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The San Diego City Council voted Tuesday to sue Mayor Bob Filner to recover costs the city may incur over the sexual harassment lawsuit filed by his former communications director as an eighth woman publicly accused the mayor of unwanted advances. The council’s unanimous vote Tuesday came hours before the nine-member board takes up Filner’s request to have San Diego taxpayers pay his legal fees in the case. “This is part of due process,” City Attorney Jan Goldsmith said. “If Bob Filner engaged in unlawful conduct and the city is held liable, he will have to reimburse us every penny the city pays and its attorney fees.” The dispute over legal costs comes as a recall effort against Filner, who is accused by eight women of behavior such as groping, unwanted kissing and sexual advances, began in earnest Monday. Lisa Curtin, director of government and military education at San Diego City College, became the eighth woman to go public with allegations about Filner when she told KPBS that he made unwanted advances to her during a meeting in 2011, when he was a member of Congress, the station reported. Curtin said that Filner asked to meet with her privately at the conclusion of a business meeting, and that once alone with her he asked about the wedding ring she was wearing. She replied that she had been married for 25 years, she said. “He then asked me if it could come off while I was in D.C. and if I would go out with him,” Curtin said. “I said I really didn’t think so. And at that point, he pulled my hand closer to him and he reached over to kiss me. I turned my head at that moment and on the side of my face, I got a very wet, saliva-filled kiss including feeling his tongue on my cheek.” Curtin said she did not report the incident to police at the time but has since reported it to the San Diego Sheriff’s Department, which has established a hotline for reports of alleged misconduct by the mayor. Irene McCormack Jackson, Filner’s former aide, filed suit against the mayor and the city last week alleging, among other things, that the mayor told her he wanted to see her naked and asked her to work without wearing underwear. Filner apologized for his behavior and said he would undergo “intensive therapy” for two weeks starting Aug. 5. The former Democratic congressman, who was elected to the city post in November, has rejected repeated calls to resign. Seven of the nine San Diego City Council members have called on Filner to step down. Resignation calls have also come from top Democrats such as Sen. Dianne Feinstein, the state’s senior senator, and national party chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “Bob Filner can’t pay back San Diegans for the damage he’s done to our city’s reputation, but he can and should repay the City if there are any taxpayer costs as a result of this lawsuit,’‘ council member Kevin Faulconer said. Filner has hired a private attorney, Harvey Berger, to defend him in the lawsuit. The city attorney’s office is not representing Filner because the city is also a party to the lawsuit. Filner is the first Democratic mayor of the nation’s eighth most populous city in 20 years.

So while most of the country is fixated on Carlos Danger’s Tony Weiner, over here in SoCal good ol’ “Headlock” Bobby Filner is straight up refusing to resign. People from city councilmen to congressmen to senators just calling for his head. But they don’t call him Headlock Bobby for no reason. My mans got heart. He’s gonna fight until the final buzzer sounds and he’s completely and utterly broke with nothing but a broken marriage and thousands to pay back to the city of San Diego.

Honestly I know that these allegations are serious and they can make women feel uncomfortable, but you gotta laugh at some of the things he’s being accused of. C’mon, can’t you picture Headlock telling his aide to come to work commando? Shit’s hilarious. He was honestly probably kidding. Seriously, check out the lady who he asked to wear no panties…

Filner-Accuser-Irene-McCorm

Headlock crushes finer ass than that. This face alone pulls the sexiest 20-somethings in SoCal…

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Bitches dig the creeper.

And state senator Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chill the fuck out. Nobody thinks any less of San Diego or its people because of Headlock. We still think of it as a beautiful looking city that’s the first stop for Mexicans crossing the boarder into Cali.

Dodgers Sign Brian Wilson…Meh.

Posted: July 31, 2013 in Baseball

An Evening With Chrysler And Fiat

In search of a late-inning reinforcement in the bullpen, the Dodgers are turning to longtime nemesis Brian Wilson. Wilson, a former All-Star closer and World Series hero with the rival San Francisco Giants, has agreed to a major-league deal with the Dodgers, according to a person familiar with the situation. The right-hander comes to the Dodgers as a reclamation project, as he is working his way back from reconstructive elbow surgery. Wilson, 31, last pitched in April 2012. Before joining the Dodgers’ major-league club, he will pitch in the minor leagues on a rehabilitation assignment. Wilson’s contract, which is guaranteed, runs through the end of this season. The Dodgers were  among the teams present when Wilson threw in front of scouts last week. Wilson, who makes his off-season home in Los Angeles, met Sunday with General Manager Ned Colletti. Wilson had three offers, all from contending teams. He led the league with 48 saves in 2010. He saved six games in the playoffs that season, the last of which clinched the World Series title for the Giants. Wilson, whose long beard and flamboyant personality made him a celebrity, became a free agent after last season, when the Giants didn’t tender him a contract.

Complete “meh,” type signing for me. I see why they did it. Low risk high reward. If by chance he recovers quickly and puts together a string of good pitching it’ll be worth it. I just seriously don’t like this dude. He’s a total jackoff for the sake of being one. But LA is a perfect place for a flamboyant, over-the-top doucher who craves attention. Like, that picture screams douchebag. Whatever. Without further adieu…welcome to LA, Brian Wilson.

Need a break? New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner rubs his eyes during a candidate forum on small business in Manhattan on Monday as his latest sexting scandal refuses to go away

I haven’t chimed in on this Carlos Danger/Anthony Weiner situation yet because honestly, I could give two shits that this dude likes to text dick pics to girls that aren’t his wife. Whatever bro. Do you. But his little sexting partner Sydney Leathers? This bitch has tickled my angry nerve. She’s going on Howard Stern and giving tell-all interviews about what Carlos Danger fantasizes about, strutting that gross body and face around on the beach like she’s some sort of model, and potentially doing porn. If you’re down to do porn, you’re a slut. Plain and simple. I don’t care how different your personality is outside of porn. I’ve never met a chick who considers doing porn who isn’t a total slut to begin with. So let’s clear that up. You, Sydney Leathers, are a slut. A gross one to be exact. Seriously, this…in a porno…?

Sydney LeathersSydney Leathers

I believe the great cold-pop drinker Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Like, I get what you’re trying to do here. You see a chance to have your 15 minutes of fame. So you’re going all in. Interviews, photo shoots, porn, the whole shabangabang. But you suck. There’s something about your face that makes me angry. I think it’s the fact that you’re literally a fat slut who is hitting a man when he’s down. That shit’s for the birds. You’re getting pleasure off another man’s pain. Danger Weiner over there has had enough. Like, people know what he’s about. He’s not gonna win the race. He’s the laughing stock of the country. You don’t have to humiliate the guy even more with weirdo fantasies that YOU participated in. That’s what I don’t get with what she’s trying to do. It’s like, uhhh don’t act like he’s the weird one when you were doing the same shit, ho. Get out of my face with this shit. Sydney Leathers: Sheisty Bitch #1 right now.

But in all seriousness, why Anthony Weiner hasn’t dropped out of the race is beyond me. Bro, you’re not gonna win. The longer you stay in the race the more shit’s gonna hit the fan. Just hold one press conference to announce you dropping out and address anything that anyone wants to hear. Then, slip quietly into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. People respect truth, especially when it involves chicks, dicks, and sexts.